Today, my wife said she was going to her friend's place to help her with couponing. She started getting ready at 5pm; shaved her legs, did her hair, put on skin-tight leggings and a low-cut top. Left at 6pm, snuck back in at 2:50am. Shit, couponing must be really exciting. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my wife suddenly texted me to meet her halfway between our house and the supermarket. I immediately put my shoes on and started walking, eager to get to her as fast as I could to surprise her. Turns out she was carrying three heavy bags and yelled at me for being slow and by foot. FML
Today, I had to work late. Due to delayed trains and a missed connection, it was almost midnight when I finally got home. When I walked into the bedroom, I found my girlfriend wearing sexy lingerie and fast asleep. FML
Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML
Today, to prove to my wife that she's incapable of leaving on time, I told her we needed to leave by 6 and gave her no further reminders. At 6:45 she “still need 5 more minutes.” Then she got mad when she came downstairs at 7:20 and I was in my pyjamas, because what's the fucking point leaving now? FML
Today, I scrambled to get out of work on the dot to go to a special pharmacy that closes at 5 pm an hour away. I arrived at 4:58. Upon reaching the door, one of the employees came and locked it in my face. Apparently, her going home early was more important than me getting my medication. FML
Today, in a rush to get ready, I put on some "sexy" panties that I bought years ago. By the second hour of work, they were so tight and uncomfortable, I had to cut slits up the sides to avoid cutting off the circulation to my legs. FML
Today, I told my fiancée I was going to the gym. She gave me a dozen "quick, easy errands" that took me over three hours to finish. When I was done, I called her and said I was going to the gym now. She yelled, "You still haven't gone? You've been out for days! What have you been doing?" FML
Today, my wife hit a new level of clingy when she picked the lock on the bathroom door so she could sit with me while I shat. FML
Today, I felt frisky, so I did my hair and put on make-up and some lingerie. I walked into the living room, where my husband was playing a video game. He glanced up, said, "Oh, for fuck's sake." and made me wait nearly 15 minutes for him to reach a save-game point. FML
Today, I got up very early to join my fit, slim, husband for a morning walk, since I work from home, order food to be delivered, and barely leave the couch. Afterwards, he biked off to work, and I went straight back to bed. With some candy. Small steps, I guess. FML
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Top comments
CamBamShamDaMan 26
Why wouldn't she just say shes going out for the night? Because you seem old enough to know whats goin on...
H4H 15
It's bad that she's sneaking back in wearing those clothes, it's worse when her excuse is couponing
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Comments (103)
CaroLouWho 10
Hopefully she's just going out dancing, but even if that's the case, the fact that she has to give the excuse of couponing indicates that there's a problem somewhere.
dontknow1 19
Shit bro, you should talk to her before making any assumption
Brilliant66star 17
Ummm... I don't get why you're still there, OP..?
BananEnigma 24
Becauuuussseeee responsible adults try to WORK ON THEIR MARRIAGES before ditching one another and/or their children? (Not that he said they have any)....
buckdharma 38
Op was just as confused after eavesdropping on his wife's phone conversation. Talk of inserts, doubling up to get off more, and getting her meat pounded by some guy named Blinkie
ber4fun 23
The wording of this FML was great.
Ovidio 5
Say you are going to the mall and spend 5 hours partying and come home late. ??
Knittedbirch 8
I mean, there are coupons for bars and restaurants and stuff. Maybe she's not technically lying to you... Look, just be a mature adult and talk to her.
mezochan 29
She should have been a mature adult and not lied to him in the first place!
blackpuddle 30
There is a regular at the coffee shop I work at who will come in dressed real nice, with a stack of coupons, get drinks, sit down, go through them, and talk the ear off of everyone she can, for hours. She's been there til close some nights. I honestly don't see it as a stretch to change coffee to booze and the location to a quieter type bar.
Whydoyouask 11
You could see someone coming to a quiet bar and leaving around 2 with a stack of coupons?? Where do you live
blackpuddle 30
Just saying, people do weird things and are weird. You never know.
mezochan 29
I mean, I saw two guys having a picnic in a Lowe's parking lot. Literally a full-blown picnic, with a cooler full of food and a blanket laid down and everything. People are weird.
Earl_KarmasBitch 36
I once saw a group of guys playing a game of cards on the foot wide divider of a 6 lane road. I have no idea why they had to play in the middle of the road.
RufusBarbarossa 13
Extreme cards
English_Dave 3
Maybe you should talk the the missus not FML OP
Whydoyouask 11
You didn't let her off easy, did you? Other wise ydi 100%