Today, after almost four years of having avoided her due to her hatred of my husband, my mother invited us both to a family dinner. My husband wanted to give her another chance, so we went. Less than an hour after arriving, I caught her hocking a loogie and spitting it into our food. FML

All over the place

Today, I visited my in-laws, whom I thought I was on great terms with. I soon learned that wasn't the case when my mother-in-law yelled at me about how I've been abusing her for years. Ten minutes later, she hugged me and asked me for grandkids. FML

Not a wife guy

Today, I went to a restaurant with my mother, where the waiter complimented my "wife". I'm not 18, and she's over 40. FML

Keep quiet

Today, trying to impress my in-laws, I put a lot of effort into selecting a nice bottle of wine for dinner at their house. When I got there, I gave the bottle to my wife's mother. Later, my father-in-law emerges from the kitchen to berate his wife over her poor choice of wine. It was mine. FML

Thanks, Mom

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I'm out of her will. Apparently, I "molest towels" and leave them to "fester for days" in my "den of depravity." I'm sure they'll give me their daughter now. FML

That joke isn't funny anymore

Today, I told my husband that as I wasn't hungry, he had to cook for himself. He rang my Spanish stepmother as a joke to complain that I’m not wifey material. She showed up, whacked me with her Chancla, and browbeat me into cooking. He feels hella guilty, but he’s still a dead man once she leaves. FML

Welcoming

Today, I was having lunch with my fiancé's family. After he excused himself to use the bathroom, his grandmother glared at me, sneered, "I never liked you" and kept eating while the others smirked. When my fiancé returned, everyone pretended nothing had happened. FML

Today, I came home with a friend to find my mom scratching my dad's butt with a fork. FML

Today, I went to eat with my girlfriend, her parents and my mother. My mother complained about every aspect of the service. When I told her she needed to assert herself, she took her pocketbook and hit me over the head. The whole restaurant stared at us while she yelled "Is that assertive enough?" FML

Today, my girlfriend's mother called me to tell me she didn't appreciate our "public amorous behaviour" at the local food court. I didn't go out all day. FML