Today, my husband decided that he simply couldn't exist any longer without giving me his own version of a wet-willy. He creeped up on me as I was sleeping and wiggled his wet penis around in my ear. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my husband let me know he felt I was ignoring him by jabbing me in the right ear with his erect penis while I was Skyping with my mum overseas. FML
Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML
Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating into the kitchen sink. FML
Today, my husband woke up in the middle of the night feeling frisky. He woke me up, got me all hot and ready to go, then before I could get into position he fell back to sleep, leaving me to fend for myself. FML
Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband having sex with the shower wall. When I got in the shower with him he immediately went soft. FML
Today, while making out in my car, the guy I was with decided it'd be a great idea to stick his tongue in my ear. He shoved it in so far that my ear still feels wet four hours later. FML
Today, my husband decided to pick his nose out before he would kiss me. FML
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Top comments
laurensauren 9
It was small enough to fit in your ear AND wiggle around?
MelissaRoo2 6
Put laxatives in his food.
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Comments (154)
MelissaRoo2 6
Put laxatives in his food.
sarahbear499 7
Get a male friend to do the same to him...see how he likes it
Sinamoi 18
And if he does?
JustDerpin 11
Then he's probably gay
Sinamoi 18
Fair enough.
Psych101 9
17- Nice read there, Velma.
thelilpeanut 6
Am I the only person who thought about ear sex from Family Guy?
bladedrose 3
That was my first thought, you just beat me to it! Lol
Alwayspullout 7
His penis fit in your ear???
emag_eht 18
That does seem weird. How small is he? How big is your ear?
lessthan0_fml 6
Hopefully it wasn't wet because he stuck it in his mouth first!
Xcherrypie 16
89- there are worse ways he could have dampened his dick. That I am sure of!
GuessWhatKids 13
Is there some new FML trend with penises being put into people while they're sleeping?
ChaaManDoo 0
That's what I was thinking, "around in my ear" so its got extra room?
DoomSkuller 28
Once you go black, you go deaf
gracehi 33
I hope you gave him a knuckle sandwich in return.
Jjgibbs 5
How did he get his penis wet? Hmmmm...
stfuNOWplease 6
Spit?
lololol693 3
Ha lol.
zandalee 20
Probably just had a piss. Gross.
UncleMuscles 5
1, I had to ask, where the hell did the term "knuckle sandwich" come from?
therealslim 15
^ that phrase has been around years mate
Oh_So_Klassical 18
Since I devoloped a habit born of growing up with idiot brothers, anything wet that comes near my ear I grab and pull. You could try that. Or put a wet ***** in his ear when he's sleeping.
hatesfate 6
Grabbing and pulling would result in a handjob thus positive reinforcement...
alycion 39
I'd think a wet ***** up his ass when he was sleeping would be more appropriate revenge.
SaltukBugraHan 8
That escalated quickly...
toooldforthis 19
Maybe a grab and twist?
iOceanus 18
Squirt in his ear.
JOEBOBARNOLD 15
We with... O.o
JOEBOBARNOLD 15
*wet
Sinamoi 18
"Wet penis..." Didn't know he was that flexible.
Inheritance 10
When a penis is not erect it is very flexible. You can bend it, wrap it, hell could even twist it.
Sinamoi 18
Forgive me if I wish to keep my penis un-bent, wrapped, or twisted. As for everyone else, sorry about the lame comment. Even ninjas have their moments.
saizml 9
It wasn't a lame comment I think it just went over their head lol
trippythehippy 6
Meh. If he was that flexible he wouldn't have gotten married. Or is It just me? Oh well thumb down
rotflqtms_ 21
47, as someone said before... sure, for a guy, you think it would be cool to be able to give yourself head...until you realize that you have a dick in your mouth. So you're getting head... while giving it. Can you really feel pleasure with one in your mouth? I'm not a guy, but straight guys usually say, after considering it, that they'd feel weird doing it. Nothing against gay bi or whatever people, just throwing my 2 cents in there.
DespairFaction 11
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
You're husband sounds awesome.
JustDerpin 11
You are husband sounds awesome? Seems legit
Hockeyboy4280 18
He sounds like a dick
kAPISH 29
There's not many things that gets me mad... but for the love of this app, if your grammar sucks... just shut it. Your comment gave me cancer.
Hockeyboy4280 18
Can't tell if 18 used bad grammar on purpose, or if your grammar is just piss poor...
DespairFaction 11
18 Thanks dude, must be prostate cancer because you're an ass hole. Everybody else. My bad, I didn't even notice I used the wrong one until the editing time expired.
hatesfate 6
18 - your such a mean person. There just trying too have a positive affect! (Die bitch, die! Hahahaha)
kAPISH 29
You're not even supposed to use the wrong one. "your" and "you're" is third grade grammar. Oh well, i'm not going to sit here complaining about your grammar. I'm bored already, wich is the main reason i came here from the first place
hatesfate 6
^fail
kAPISH 29
Haters gonna hate :)
evilplatypus 39
34 - Someone who doesn't capitalize "I" or "I'm" and can't spell "which" should not play the role of grammar nazi.
kAPISH 29
Oh, and you think i'm being serious?:)
angeluv_2014 22
Dude, if you weren't being serious, then you wouldn't have gone on and on about it for three comments. Just face the fact that YOU'RE a hipocrit that just got owned. And props to the guy who pointed you out, because I HATE GRAMMAR NATZIS! ;)
kAPISH 29
Haha, why wouldn't i? i was just bored, so you can say whatever you like. I'm easily amused and i thought it was fun :) Oh you hate me? how cute, i love you too :)
Hockeyboy4280 18
74- maybe his autocorrect got the best of him. Did we ever think of that?
emag_eht 18
74- It's alright to be wrong and admit it on FML. Just don't be a douche about it and try to hide how much you care by adding a smiley face after every sentence. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes and that's alright. Just say "oops didn't notice" and move on.
FMLKitten 15
74) Look, we don't need pricks and their piss poor grammar to teach us the difference between "you're" and "your". Just correct him and **** the hell off, we don't need any side commentary.
laurensauren 9
It was small enough to fit in your ear AND wiggle around?
MissRoxiie 12
"Wiggles his wet penis AROUND MY HEAR" Its around not inside, re-read before assuming things.
ShyAnn29 15
It says "around IN my ear"
evilplatypus 39
45 - Take your own advice. Literacy: it's our friend.
angeluv_2014 22
Gosh evilplatypus, you are just taking the hipocrits down around here. Way to go! :D And I mean that seriously.
R4inb0wBrit3 13
Or she has a really BIG ear...
Zoomali 1
I am sure she means the outer party of her ear and not the auditory canal. But nevertheless funny comment.
Welshite 40
What was it wet from? I think that's a major question that needs to be answered.
twinkiefeets 17
I so agree. Why is it wet
Carmstro 13
Some questions are best unanswered. Yet, I'm still a little curious...
krysstar 5
Uhmm maybe wet from cum? If he was erected already? Or maybe something else? Who knows?
wannabemom 5
68- It was a rhetorical question.
calipilot227 16
Someone didn't get the memo...
LoveGuru69 0
Most likely his own spit, as thats what would differentiate a wet willy from ear sex.
NyQuilSausages 7
Good ol' spit?
omgalice 5
How old is he?? lol
TourettesGuyFTW 26
lol is not an age, moron.
omgalice 5
I was actually saying it somewhat sarcastically, as in 'well isn't he mature', but obviously you can't see that.
omgalice 5
I was actually saying it somewhat sarcastically, as in 'well isn't he mature', but obviously you can't see that.
omgalice 5
I was actually saying it somewhat sarcastically, as in 'well isn't he mature', but obviously you can't see that.
goldensh0wer69 3
As long as his penis wasn't wet from dick cheese.
CallMeMcFeelii 14
That's what I was thinking 6! Fyl for real if your man has a penis the size of a toddlers.