Today, my drunken self became a vaguely racist poet. I am now the author of a four-page poem entitled "Chocolate Men". FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML
Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML
Today, I went on a date with the world's biggest lightweight. She got blind drunk on wine before dessert, and slurred, "You look like... like a black... blueberry." Amused, I said, "You mean a blackberry?" She stared at me for several long seconds, confused, then passed out. Check please. FML
Today, I went to a Halloween party with people from work. As the night passed, my boss got hammered and started throwing food at people. It was fun and games until I accidentally spilled his tenth beer. His response? To slam a hollowed out pumpkin full of chocolate mousse over my head. FML
Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML
Today, I locked eyes with a cute barista and tried to flirt by giving a charming smile. I forgot I had just taken a sip of hot chocolate, so I ended up drooling a long stream of chocolate down my chin. FML
Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML
Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML
Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML
Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML
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Top comments
jerryj 27
Please follow up and publish it here!
lex1459 38
Are you the same OP that wrote "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" for their essay?
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Comments (78)
jerryj 27
Please follow up and publish it here!
travelfreak 20
The only thing better than a funny FML is a funny follow-up.
aforbiddendance 23
We all would love to hear the follow-up, OP!
icryevrytime 7
snaps for op.
Wiz_Of_Oz 17
Drunkedness afflicts people in different ways, sleepiness, anger or a lustful gaze. Yet others suffer mental states even more perverse: the mistaken assumption that they can write in verse.
lex1459 38
Are you the same OP that wrote "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" for their essay?
alyant 12
The good old drunken self is there a sequel?
MrSarary 26
You were drunk and managed to write 4 pages that made sense? That's incredible
Pleonasm 36
That's how Tay Zonday did it.
crazytwinsmom 25
@6 OP didn't say it made sense.
sicksadworld1317 30
All the best writers live off a steady diet of Jack Daniels, black coffee, and cigarettes. No one told you?
MortenM 17
#6 OP said it was poetry. Pretty clear it doesn't make sense
Jared900DUmpling 30
Chocolate men! Some stay dry and others feel the pain!
whythankyou 19
I really hope that's the only thing you did while drunk...
RedPillSucks 33
Perhaps the poem required some experience
AmexBlack 24
Why is everyone assuming that OP was being racist towards coloured folk? OP never mentioned whether his poem was referring to milk chocolate or dark chocolate... let's keep an open mind here ;)
glabberfasted 16
What do you mean "everyone?" No one has posted a comment about being racist yet... Also, aren't "milk chocolate" and "dark chocolate" both considered colored?
CinnamonBunny 16
Also, #8..."coloured", really? Are you from 1925?
crankawank 19
Wait. What's so weird about saying "coloured?" If you look at his info it says he's from the UK and coloured with a u is the right way to spell it in British English. "People of color" is still a commonly used phrase too, so I don't see anything wrong? Not saying I understand the rest of the post that well, though.
ptoka 20
#8, did you completely miss the part where OP said they became "vaguely racist" and wrote a 4 page poem?
Kreig1996 5
America - Color Every other ******* country in this world - Colour
Narcisse_fml 25
#8, nobody coloured me; I was BORN this way.
minauto 15
#11 he's talking about the use of the word in reference, not the spelling.
minauto 15
i mean #41 -_-
jazzy_123 20
41, stop trying to insult us -,-
doodlecloud 27
I'm from the UK. I very rarely hear anyone use the word 'coloured' in that context and when I do it's always from the elderly who just haven't caught up with the times. I'm pretty sure it's not acceptable in most of the UK. Just my experience.
nightbirdblue 27
You have to keep up with the lingo of the times, man.
chocolatefrog28 29
Best alternative to gingerbread men I've heard. You may be on to something, OP.
BandLife5ever 12
I really want to read this poem now (: