Today, I went on a date with the world's biggest lightweight. She got blind drunk on wine before dessert, and slurred, "You look like... like a black... blueberry." Amused, I said, "You mean a blackberry?" She stared at me for several long seconds, confused, then passed out. Check please. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went on a blind double date. My date was drunk before I got there. He kept getting my name wrong, and ended up spilling a glass of red wine down the front of my dress. FML
Today, my friends set me up on a blind date. I thought it went well, and while saying our goodbyes, I leaned in to give her a kiss. She pulled way, laughed, "I'm not drunk enough for that," and left. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. Everything was going great until I laughed so hard at one of his jokes that I snorted, choked on my drink, and accidentally slapped his face while trying to cover my mouth. We didn't order dessert. FML
Today, I went on a date with a very cute girl. It went well, until I accidentally called the blueberries in her dessert Oran Berries. I sheepishly explained that they're a berry from the Pokémon universe, at which point she excused herself, never to return. FML
Today, my date got a cold before our date and accidentally took medicine that makes you drowsy before we went out. Two glasses of red later to calm her nerves, she yelled at a waiter, threw her shoe at the chef, then passed out on the table. I’m going to marry this girl, just you watch. FML
Today, ten minutes into a blind date, my date said, "I don't mean to be rude, but... your face? It's the reason booze was invented." FML
Today, I was laying with my girlfriend on the couch. I looked at her and said, "You're so beautiful. How did I ever get you?" She replied, "I was drunk." FML
Today, I went on a first date. She got plastered within the first hour, then a song came on in the restaurant and she told me, "This song's about meeeeee." FML
Today, I went on a date with a girl. We drove separately and met at the restaurant. Over the course of two hours she drank a gallon and a half of beer, then her boyfriend picked her up because she was too drunk to drive home. FML
Today, I was at the bar with a date. My date made a joke about me being a slow drinker, so I tried to impress her by chugging the rest of my glass. She was impressed with how fast I chugged my beer, until it came back up. FML
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Top comments
Liamj774 36
She sure sounds like a keeper
Earths_Venus 25
'Check please' or 'check if she's still breathing please'?
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Comments (86)
polarbearpiss 15
lol wow
Liamj774 36
She sure sounds like a keeper
nchic01 17
poor girl! this is more of an fml for her
nchic01 17
yeah... this is more an fml for the girl though
Vagitarian1 10
Can you IM me her number?
x3jmac27 22
Now I'm curious on if he actually keeps her (:
garrett_8614 14
What if she pretended to pass out so OP would be stuck with the check?
incoherentrmblr 22
^ That would be an interesting, possible scenario...
ohSNAPyall 27
Like blackberry wine, 17...
JMichael 26
a hot July moon! We saw everything!
tigerisabelle 31
like my first taste of love, oh so drunkenly sweet the card and the check, signed like blackberry wine
Maccaroney 11
Aaaaaand that's a wrap. Great job people. We'll continue recording in an hour.
trex454 21
why couldn't she have meant blue berry?
ladytigerhunts 20
Well she said "black...blueberry." So it's either that or this.
ohSNAPyall 27
Because his face is segmented like a blackberry's.
ohSNAPyall 27
Just imagine spider eyes.
Enslaved 38
Maybe she meant Blueberry as in a round shape? I'm thinking Violet from "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory".
crazytwinsmom 25
Maybe OP is black with a blueberry shaped face.
buckdharma 38
Maybe she meant a blue Blackberry, meaning he's phony. Wait, what?
SarahSehhati 40
She was drunk! She doesn't even know what she ment! Lol
ohSNAPyall 27
Y'all are Blue Meanies.
silvercamaro 22
So that's a no to a second date than
Earths_Venus 25
'Check please' or 'check if she's still breathing please'?
Shadowvoid 33
I'm pretty sure I've heard that if your date dies, that your date is free. Now that may not be a real policy, but it would certainly be a common courtesy on the account of how tragic that whole incident would most likely be
foxwasalamb 24
how often do people on dates really die though, that it would be made into a "common policy"?
WaxenSecrets 5
He never said anything about a common policy...
andiesaur 18
Leave her with the check. Problem solved.
Rowdyyy91 10
Go ahead an introduce her to the folks OP! She's a keeper for sure.
Jason324 18
Well at least she didn't vomit.
MissHeartSihk 26
There's nothing worse than a sloppy drunk.