Today, my wife is so determined to keep me on my diet that, as I'm off work for the next week, she has gotten rid of all the food in the house. She has also taken the phones and iPads so I can't order a takeaway, and taken all my trousers so I can't walk to the shops. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my husband decided that if he's not hungry, then I'm not allowed to make myself any food. FML
Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML
Today, my wife can't be bothered to do anything that isn't work, talk about her work, and sit on the sofa. Then she complains that I don't show any affection, when she can be bothered to even talk to me. FML
Today, my wife is giving me the silent treatment and has locked herself in the bedroom, all because I politely asked her to put the dishcloth away when she was done with it. FML
Today, my wife was so sick of being isolated with the kids while I, a key worker, got to "escape" to work everyday, that she locked herself in our room and got completely trashed on my cider, meaning I had to stay at home with the kids instead of helping my elderly patients. FML
Today, I was meal-planning for the week, and sent my fiancee a grocery list with the stuff I needed. She ignored the list and bought nothing but junk food. I guess we can just eat cookie dough and sugar cereal, and die of diabetes in our fifties. FML
Today, my new wife and I got home from our honeymoon, and not an hour later she'd sat me down for a talk, saying, "Now that you're married you've got to act the part and give up this silly nonsense," then banned me from seeing my friends, playing video games, and basically everything else I ever enjoyed. FML
Today, my wife doesn't like to cook. She doesn't like when I cook, because I enjoy cooking and she says I'm "making her feel guilty." She also doesn't want to order take out, as it's "a foolish waste of money." The fuck are we supposed to eat? FML
Today, my wife has declared that, unless our son has finished his homework, I'm not to watch TV, play video games, read, use my phone, cook, or go outside, lest I "tempt him" to leave his work unfinished. Guess I'll just stare at the wall all afternoon. FML
Today, in a serious bid to lose weight, I’ve changed my lifestyle, including throwing away the 20-odd takeaway menus we keep in the kitchen. It’s only been two hours and we’ve already had five new menus from local takeaways delivered through the letterbox. Why, Universe, why do you wish me to stay fat? FML
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Top comments
fushengyuan 20
Im pretty sure if u can access fml, u can order food online:)
crankawank 19
I wonder if your wife is super controlling or if you have demonstrated a severe lack of self control •_•
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Comments (66)
mariri9206 32
Guess you're eating air.
Pimpfromdowntown 11
what did she leave you with and how big are you?
crankawank 19
I wonder if your wife is super controlling or if you have demonstrated a severe lack of self control •_•
Letters_numbers 2
She is controlling either way. Being married doesn't give her the right to dictate his diet. Even if he started the diet, he has a right to change his mind. Taking food out of the house, and articles of clothing to keep him in the house, is abusive behavior. If you don't agree, just change the pronouns.
tomvertigo 17
#45 - it is also possible that OP is morbidly obese and could die and his wife is trying to force him to be healthy and keep him around.
Dale_shackleford 13
Still way overcontrolling
luvlu444 24
Wait so you have no access to food? Sounds slightly abusive
fushengyuan 20
Im pretty sure if u can access fml, u can order food online:)
fezhafeez 12
i guess fml > food. OP has his priorities straight!
Phantomsnake 10
Dude, his wife wrote the fml and she's coming to kick your ass for your suggestion.
val_428 8
You know that all of the FMLs start with "Today", right? This story, most likely, happened some time ago.
saxaddict122 14
Pants-less drive thru, here you come!
ssnow_fml 20
Most places say "no shirt, no shoes, no service". Doesn't say anything about pants...
Tarlachia 33
Wrap a towel or robe around yourself, hop in the car and drive to get food. Get healthy food and you'll be rewarding yourself for staying on track. As for your wife, I would suggest a serious chat with her. That's not a healthy practice for any marriage.
Goblin182 27
You could grow a pair, take you pants, phone, iPad back and get something to eat.
JETarchitect 32
did she leave you with any food to eat?? and all of that seems a bit excessive, it's a lot of work to go through just to help someone lose weight