Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boss brought his cat to the office. Despite our no pet policy, I still managed to get the blame when the crazy animal scratched 3 colleagues and peed on the floor after my boss left for bathroom. Apparently I was supposed to be "looking after it". FML
Today, I had to explain to yet another HR manager that no, my bruises, scratches, and scars do not mean I’m lying about being in an abusive marriage, it just means I’m a Muay Thai fighter who owns a cat who is a moody, scratchy little bastard. FML
Today, my extremely affectionate and docile cat, whom I love like a child and has never drawn blood, scratched my roommate of one day in the face while I was at work. She claims he just went ballistic, and I don't believe she's telling me everything. What the hell did she do to my cat? It's gonna be a long lease. FML
Today, in what was probably a freudian slip, I 'accidentally' sent my boss a text message meant for my therapist, containing an elaborate plan to sneak my cat into the office as my "emotional support animal." My boss replied with a simple "Denied." My dreams of a feline-fueled workspace shattered. FML
Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML
Today, I picked up my cat and he went wild because I didn't know he was sleeping. I ended with with several cuts, and one on my wrist. Later, a kid in my high school saw my wrist and told my guidance counselor, who told my parents. Now everyone thinks I'm either a liar, attention whore, or emo. FML
Today, I was cooking when I got jumped from behind by my friend's cat, who thought my back would make a great lookout perch. Yesterday he tried to sharpen his claws on me. Last time I looked in the mirror I didn't look like a tree trunk, but maybe I need glasses. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML
Today, I disciplined my cat for meowing too loudly in my apartment and disturbing neighbors by picking her up by the scruff. She then proceeded to scratch the ever living crap out of my hand, now it looks like Wolverine got a hold of me. FML
Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML
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Top comments
VeganDarkLight 31
When I read the first sentence, I thought OP was cutting. The way the FML ended is definetly not nice either, but I was relieved though!
devildog562 33
Spawn of satan.
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Comments (112)
arockon 5
I would get rid of the cat or call the dude from my cat from hell
rocker_chick23 27
OP is from South Africa, I doubt Jackson Galaxy will go over there.
inolongercare 19
Take it to the vet. He may need antipsychotic medication
Rababco 29
Wait they have that for pets?! That's what my Pomeranian needs, she's nuts!
vivaellefashion 14
As my family says "en satan"
knoxxx 22
Yeah how much to you actually actively play with your cat, OP? The biggest issue most cat owners have is not actually the cat, it's you not playing with it enough. 15 minutes every day of active play is a minimum for cats to be happy. Chances are if every time your cat seems to be on the hunt, he probably wants to play, and if you grab a stick and string toy and play with it until its worn out, you won't get attacked by your cat.
martin8337 36
Adios, gato.
worldclassrager 41
I think he now knows that you have the laser pointer...that's why
pnaybeauty 4
I'd get rid of the cat!
chosha_fml 27
It's viciously attacking you regularly for no reason? Just take it to the pound. Not only should you not have to deal with injuries all the time, but you'll be held responsible if it attacks someone else.
tobyb 2
I had the same problem my cat would chase horses around one day it tried it with a truck on the road and didint win
kiaora_fml 11
I had a loving cat who would sit on my shoulder, I had him before I met my husband and when we had our 2nd child he started to pee on everything my husband owned and then the new bubbas pram, but never my eldest stuff as he loved her, I gave him the same amount of attention as before. We took him to the vets and the vet suggested to put the cat on antidepressants! I laughed and he was serious and he said either that or you would have to consider euthanasia, and he said the tablets usually works. It worked for our cat and he was fine until the day he passed away, think about it OP