Today, my 10-year-old son introduced me to Tom, his new best friend, and insisted we have him over to dinner. Tom is a slug. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out my son told his teachers that I make his brother Tom sleep on the floor, make him stay out of the house for long periods of time, and don't let him use the toilet. Tom is actually our cat. FML
Today, I was introducing my boyfriend to my parents for the first time. I meant to say, "Mom, Dad, this is Tom." Instead, I said, "Mom, Dad, this is Mom." My boyfriend is now jokingly reconsidering our relationship, and my parents won't stop making fun of me. FML
Today, two weeks after I got my girlfriend's son to watch old Tom & Jerry cartoons instead of those awful YouTube kids channels, he got in trouble at school for whapping another kid in the face with a toy mallet. He mentioned he wanted to be like Jerry. I'm a dead man when my girlfriend hears this. FML
Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year-old son answered the door and when he saw me said, "Oh great, it's YOU!" and slammed the door in my face. FML
Today, I got to take my 10-year-old son to the junior high school at which I teach. When my students questioned him about what I was like at home, he told the entire class: "Well, she farts all the time." FML
Today, I took my 6 year old son to meet our new neighbours. When we got home he packed his bags and headed for the door. Once he reached the door, I asked where he was going. He replied, "To the neighbours'. They have a bigger television." FML
Today, I met my new 7ft tall and heavily muscular neighbor. Before I could say anything, he greeted me in his really deep voice with, "Excuse me, but is this yours?" He was holding my muddy 3-year-old son, who he'd found in his backyard, by his jumpers like a stuffed cat. FML
Today, I spent yet another lunch venting to my best friend about how much I hate my teenage son's girlfriend, thinking he should be with someone less outspoken. Apparently she got tired of listening because she eventually snapped, "Oh for god's sake, just admit you want to fuck your son already!" and left. FML
Today, I found out that my son has been telling me he's gay so we would allow the "female friend" who is actually his girlfriend to stay over. FML
Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML
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Top comments
potatocouch 16
Make sure to pass "Tom" the salt.
Welshite 40
And the son becomes traumatized at the murder of his best friend. It's dinner AND a show!
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Comments (52)
ThatCaramelOtaku 1
I wish there was a "meh" option because you're life doesn't suck but it's not your fault either.
dragoongirl90 34
That is just adorable. Stop bitching and have the slug over.
Bitchpuddin 7
Maybe this is just me...but I think this it's so beautifully awesome
honestjane 22
At least Tom isn't a homeless meth head? There are worse things than slugs to bring home.
CaaaaattttLady 13
Awwww cute! ?
Raze_Roze 7
Oh god, not an imagination! Quick! Kill it!
magaoitin 4
Remember that a slug is just a down on his luck, homeless snail, and probably a disabled vet from the great salt wars of the spring garden 2016. I hope you got his backstory at dinner. I imagine he is just trying to clean up his life, kick his addiction to that imported sea salt, get his shell back, and find work to help support his little ones.
xxUnknown 19
That's kind of cute !! In a gross way ...
X_Gon_Giv_ItToYa 9
Maybe he just wants some escargot
ACCOUNTKILLER 18
at least he has good manners?