Today, my 10-year-old son introduced me to Tom, his new best friend, and insisted we have him over to dinner. Tom is a slug. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out my son told his teachers that I make his brother Tom sleep on the floor, make him stay out of the house for long periods of time, and don't let him use the toilet. Tom is actually our cat. FML
Today, I was introducing my boyfriend to my parents for the first time. I meant to say, "Mom, Dad, this is Tom." Instead, I said, "Mom, Dad, this is Mom." My boyfriend is now jokingly reconsidering our relationship, and my parents won't stop making fun of me. FML
Today, two weeks after I got my girlfriend's son to watch old Tom & Jerry cartoons instead of those awful YouTube kids channels, he got in trouble at school for whapping another kid in the face with a toy mallet. He mentioned he wanted to be like Jerry. I'm a dead man when my girlfriend hears this. FML
Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year-old son answered the door and when he saw me said, "Oh great, it's YOU!" and slammed the door in my face. FML
Today, I got to take my 10-year-old son to the junior high school at which I teach. When my students questioned him about what I was like at home, he told the entire class: "Well, she farts all the time." FML
Today, I took my 6 year old son to meet our new neighbours. When we got home he packed his bags and headed for the door. Once he reached the door, I asked where he was going. He replied, "To the neighbours'. They have a bigger television." FML
Today, I met my new 7ft tall and heavily muscular neighbor. Before I could say anything, he greeted me in his really deep voice with, "Excuse me, but is this yours?" He was holding my muddy 3-year-old son, who he'd found in his backyard, by his jumpers like a stuffed cat. FML
Today, I spent yet another lunch venting to my best friend about how much I hate my teenage son's girlfriend, thinking he should be with someone less outspoken. Apparently she got tired of listening because she eventually snapped, "Oh for god's sake, just admit you want to fuck your son already!" and left. FML
Today, I found out that my son has been telling me he's gay so we would allow the "female friend" who is actually his girlfriend to stay over. FML
Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML
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Top comments
potatocouch 16
Make sure to pass "Tom" the salt.
Welshite 40
And the son becomes traumatized at the murder of his best friend. It's dinner AND a show!
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Comments (52)
doemetoch 28
Aww, that's actually really sweet, it sounds like your kid is a real animal-lover. Can't you include Tom somehow, like bring him a leaf of lettuce in the garden for dinner or something? Kindness for all creatures seems something to encourage in your children's education.
ham_spam 17
Not an animal imbecile
GhostFox 34
Slugs are multicellular creatures that obtain their food by eating other life forms, mostly plants. Combine that with their ability to think, however limited it may be; and they are scientifically considered animals. Which, in the face of you calling someone else an "imbecile' for correctly calling a slug an animal, means that you are not only ignorant and rude, but also too arrogant to spend MAYBE a minute fact checking what your about to try to correct someone on.
Proud_Texan722 11
I see you're in Frence... Was Tom dinner?
AlexisPaige1124 16
If your username refers to this post, a mollusk has a she'll so the slug would be a Gastropod. A mollusk would be something like a snail.
gingerlover01 24
your life isn't ******, your son is just adorable
starchyflops 8
Well at least tom is not a demon
tinycritic 12
Could be worse. My bestfriend as a child was a tree named Penny, I'd actually have real conversations with her.
maximus_prime 24
Did you and Penny just "shoot the breeze"?
KimmyCupZ 21
When I was that age, I had praying mantis named Gary. He flew away shortly. I have never trusted another bug again.
Weasel14 8
gastropod equality, slugs are people too
Kaalschneid 21
The French are famous for eating snails, but what of slugs? just a curiosity, not telling OP to eat his son's best friend.
ollygollymolly 6
That's sweet!
Firecubitch 5
Sweet? Well yes. ...But cook that mother just a little bit and it becomes kinda chewy.