Today, I woke up to find my freshly dry-cleaned $200 suit not on my bed. Instead I found my drunk ex-girlfriend. Not only did she break into my house, she decided that she wanted to sleep in my bed and threw my suit into the trash. I have a job interview today and the garbage men already came. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML
Today, I got burgled. Not only did he steal my TV and game consoles, but he took a huge diarrhea dump in my underwear drawer and wiped his ass with my tailored suit. The dry cleaner won't accept it because it's a biohazard. FML
Today, I woke up to my drunk mom trying to pee in the dresser drawer of our hotel, with my clothes in it. I woke up right in time to yell at her. Pants down and all. She started denying there were even clothes in there. FML
Today, I came back to my apartment after moving most of my stuff out. Upon returning, I learned that my now ex-roommate drank all of my alcohol and threw away my things, thinking that I had forgotten them. FML
Today, I woke up to find that I'd left my clothes in my roommate's bedroom. After returning from a night of heavy drinking, I apparently got up to use the bathroom and used her room as a toilet. I don't remember this, but pee stains don't lie. FML
Today, I got home and found all my things thrown out into the yard, including the stuff from my mancave, which I spent thousands of dollars on. Apparently, my girlfriend stopped for a visit while my wife was home. I’d stupidly given her a key. Turns out my wife called out sick today. FML
Today, I woke up at a guy's house drunk and soaked in my own pee. I had passed out with all my clothes on. Since I was late for work and didn't have a change of clothes, all I could do was throw my jeans in the dryer. I had to sit all day at work in crusty pee pants. FML
Today, I woke up to find myself drenched in piss after a long night of drinking. I immediately sprang into action, tossing my bedding in the washer and hopping into the shower. Running late for work, I threw on a nice dress and got into my car. Guess who also peed in the drivers seat? FML
Today, I Febrezed my one remaining suit because I haven’t had a chance to go to the dry cleaners yet. I Febrezed it over the bed, so some got on the sheets. My girlfriend then got home and hit me in the head with a vase, because she thought the Febreze on the sheets was another woman’s perfume. FML
Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend, with whom I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlocked the door to see that the place was a mess. She'd thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML
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Top comments
Maddoctor 10
I smell a restraining order...
sparkey0127 0
i'd second that sniff
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Comments (87)
blanketyblank 0
how could you not wake up to someone randomly breaking in and sleeping in your bed
hedgehogs 0
You didn't get the locks changed after you weren't successful in reclaiming your key from her? Not smart. Yes, get a restraining order, and you definitely need to take her to Small Claims Court to recover the price of your suit. I think you could find some info on how to do this at the Nolo Press Website or in some of their publications.
stillxsearching 3
as a girl / ex-girlfriend who also often drinks, i can see the wanting to sleep in your bed thing happening. but not only removing your suit from the bed ... not only throwing it away ... but throwing it in the trash *that has already been put out on the curb*?? no way. WAY too much effort. inexplicable. i call fake on this one.
Bsane 0
Change your locks.
omg2funny 1
YDI... I'm sure that the cardboard box you live in is pretty secure, but if you wanted to protect your precious belongings, try not to have trashy friends or at least put the flap down when you sleep.. & what the ____ are you doing surfing, when you should be out for the interview.. If you have the skills, I'm sure no one is going o notice that you did not wear a suit... Unless that suit would've hid a large stain on your shirt..
Comentator 0
Stick it in her a$$...it will make you feel better... By the way YDI. You should have had better locks to keep out drunks or do people in Virginia not lock up when they go to bed.
whatever2468 0
I agree with most fo the comments. It doesn't even make sense. First off, either she's the stealthiest drunk in the world, or you are the heaviest sleeper in the world to not have woken up at some point during what must have been a commotion. Second, did your drunk ex girlfriend throw your suit in the trach and then proceed to carry the trash to the curb? Or do you have full service garbage collectors that come in to your home to get your trash? Do you generally get a suit pressed, lay it out on the bed, and then proceed to go to sleep for the night on said bed, not expecting the suit to get wrinkled? You're a loser, and I call FAKE PS: OP, if by some insane series of events this is a true story, I'm sorry for your luck, and I'd be calling the police. She's a nut.
whatever2468 0
oops, typo! I can't stand it when I do that. I agree with most OF the comments, not fo lol.
Ultimate_Cynic 0
Give that bitch a choice, OP - she gives you the money for a new suit and busts her ass to set up a good job interview for you, or you press charges for B&E. Show no mercy.
Zenn0 0
time to choke a bitch