Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend, when she reached over and twisted my nipples to the point of tears. I'm still not sure what in the name of Dawkins I did to deserve that. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML
Today, I was cuddling on the couch with my girlfriend when I started to tickle her, she asked me to stop but I continued. She had a reaction, and kneed me in the happy sacks. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house, and she was tickling me. It got a bit rough, and she fell out of bed and hit the floor. Her parents, thinking we'd been fighting, burst into the room to see her holding her bloody nose. She didn't say anything while her dad kicked my ass. FML
Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML
Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML
Today, I got a nipple piercing. My girlfriend thought I was pranking her with a fake piercing, because I wouldn’t be "daft enough" to get a real one, and she yanked it off, or rather through, my nipple. Yes, it cut my poor nip in half, and I now have two nipples where once I had only one. FML
Today, my husband fell asleep while cuddling. I didn't want to wake him, so I lay there for ages, trying to fall asleep. Just as I finally dozed off, my leg uncontrollably jerked and hit him in the nuts. He's convinced I did it deliberately as revenge for an argument we had 5 days ago. FML
Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML
Today, I was laying down with my girlfriend, when she asked me if I'd ever been kicked in the junk. I awkwardly said no, and she replied, "Well maybe that should change." while rubbing my shoulder lovingly. I'm scared. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were making out, she went to fix the pillow behind her head and punched me straight in the face. FML
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Top comments
osm1989_fml 6
The way this is worded makes me picture your nipples in tears.
spazz666 18
"What in the name of Dawkins" that's fantastic. Also, maybe she's just trying to tell you she's into pain. Sure would be a weird way of showing it, but ya know.
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Comments (114)
manzylittle3759 6
Ouch!! Turn on?
ElementaryEdGuy 18
21 - you left out the "by my cat while I was asleep."
abu4u 26
Nipple cripple!!!
fury1031 10
OP, sometimes women do bad things to men, but it does NOT mean that the man did something to deserve it. It's very possible that they're just being a bitch.
osm1989_fml 6
The way this is worded makes me picture your nipples in tears.
simplysarcastics 26
That is a very moving mental image! A bit disturbing but moving. Lol
Mossears133 15
Male lactation?
spazz666 18
"What in the name of Dawkins" that's fantastic. Also, maybe she's just trying to tell you she's into pain. Sure would be a weird way of showing it, but ya know.
wldd0g 9
Turnabout is always fair play.
Bakarra 22
I wasn't sure if that was actually supposed to be the saying because when I write "*******" in my phone it autocorrects to "Dickinson" but maybe it's an actual saying who knows?
Feklfekl2222 32
It's something atheists say instead of god, not an autocorrect thing
mcmarrow 5
That's ridiculous
MeloTooNice7 7
I voted YDI just because OP used that phrasing.
jordanlite 16
Me too.
l23VIVE 17
When I Googled "Dawkins" the top result was the Wikipedia page of Richard Dawkins, a famous scientist. So I'd guess OP is an Athiest
RpiesSPIES 27
You let your guard down, that's what you did.
ry24 12
I truly don't know how I would react to that
annihil8or 15
By doing the same thing back to her.
eyesmile27 7
Maybe she gets pleasure from your pain?
Bakarra 22
Oh yea maybe she's just a masochist, but its okay OP that's definitely not a reason to be concerned...
laurbear87 8
59- you mean sadist, not masochist
Bakarra 22
Shit lol I looked up masochist just to make sure it was the same as sadist cuz I like the word better but now that I reread the definition it says "deriving pleasure from ones OWN pain" case and point I shouldn't comment after an 8 hour shift at 1 in the morning
Allornone 35
Twisted Nipples. I'm totally going to name my band that. Now if only i had a band, or any musical talent...
lilhellian 27
You don't need musical talent.. Look at niki minaj..
gracehi 33
I play a game with a friend of mine where we (well, mostly I) come up with awesome band names, like "Kamakazi Bumblebee," "Call Off the Dogs," "Prey on the Innocent," "Culture Shock," and "Heavy Footed Beast." It's a fun game. You guys should try it.
ironic_legacy 9
26 - If I ever make a band, remind me not to ask you for a name haha. But seriously--Culture Shock...writing that one down...
gracehi 33
Ha ha! That was one of his! But whatever, man. I'm a band-naming genius. :P
license2chill 5
11, thank you, sir, for that comment, it made me laugh like a jackass in the public, lol
SweetStuff88 7
Perhaps it's because you say things like what in the Dawkins
jskains 6
No, worshipping the Atheist religion is much better. Cause Richie is such a great guy!
notforbirds 9
^ Wut?
alkerh 8
Haha... Atheist religion, don't be silly.
SuperPizzaMan_fml 11
shoulda done it back !
clueless05 12
Should have* (pet hate.)
Deviant_fml 5
shoulda is fine as slang... It's "should of" that gets little girls' panties in a twist.
mtlarsen1125 1
She probably did it because you say things like why in the Dawkins.