Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, we had to turn the water off due to a massive leak in the kitchen sink that the plumber was currently fixing. I managed to wait two hours before my uncooperative digestive tract said it couldn't wait any longer and I had to take a mega dump in the bathroom. I couldn't flush the toilet or wash my hands. FML
Today, I had to shit worse than I thought possible at work. I left my desk and hurried towards the bathroom, dropping trou as soon as the door closed. I then tripped over my pant leg, hit my head on the toilet, and came to some minutes later with my ass spewing diarrhea like a volcano. FML
Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML
Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML
Today, I had bad diarrhea. I went to the toilet seven times while my cousins came to spend time with me. I spent more time in the toilet than I did with them. Once they'd left, I went to the toilet for what would be the eighth time in a couple of hours. I now can no longer feel my ass. FML
Today, I was stuck in a stiflingly hot port-a-potty for 30 minutes with the worst bowel issues ever due to food poisoning. To make things worse, the maintenance guy came two minutes in to drain the thing and had to wait outside till I was done, muttering angrily at me as I took the humiliating walk of shame to my car. FML
Today, I did a big shit at work and found there was no toilet paper. I had to wipe my ass with disinfectant toilet seat wipes. It burns so bad, I can almost taste it. FML
Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML
Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML
Today, in desperate need of a shit, I quickly ran into a shop to buy toilet paper. I rushed home and unleashed, only to realise I'd bought paper towels. Without options, I had to wipe my ass with them and consequently blocked the toilet. I found rolls of toilet paper while looking for the plunger. FML
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Top comments
Skylae 14
I'm just wondering .. What did you cook ?
kurodansei 16
It's not that OP can't cook, OP just has a talent for biological warfare.
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Comments (121)
grashopper8 7
That sounds unusually bad - you may want to call your doctor! Get well soon OP
shady_fox77 13
Well, now if someone pisses you off you can cook them a delicious meal
Farmillionaire 8
I like your way of thinking....very dark
INDYSTRUCTABLE 43
so, did you shit in the shower as well or just bathe ? The way you wrote this makes me wonder....
blackonblight 33
Well by that point there can't have been anything solid left, right?
Blaisey 22
Feel better OP :/
bv2332 10
Cooking isent that hard...
SouthernLady12 13
Spelling should be easier than cooking, but... *slow clap*
BlackPanther19 11
You could probably land a job in the CIA biological warfare unit.
WeskersSexslave 15
I understand the pain. Get a relative or friend to buy you immodium xD
__0muSe0__ 4
what the hell did you decide to cook today
boshbish 14
I never thought id ever encourage someone to live off ready meals and take out but the severity of your bad cooking skills warrants all of your food to be made by others lest you'd like a repeat of a gastro intestinal volcanic eruption. FYL
tman1985 9
fat jesus? is that you? (cavalcade of cartoon comedy)
mkayden 23
Damn! What the hell did you cook?!
Farmillionaire 8
your picture fits this FML perfectly. hahahahahahha