Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, we had to turn the water off due to a massive leak in the kitchen sink that the plumber was currently fixing. I managed to wait two hours before my uncooperative digestive tract said it couldn't wait any longer and I had to take a mega dump in the bathroom. I couldn't flush the toilet or wash my hands. FML
Today, I had to shit worse than I thought possible at work. I left my desk and hurried towards the bathroom, dropping trou as soon as the door closed. I then tripped over my pant leg, hit my head on the toilet, and came to some minutes later with my ass spewing diarrhea like a volcano. FML
Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML
Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML
Today, I had bad diarrhea. I went to the toilet seven times while my cousins came to spend time with me. I spent more time in the toilet than I did with them. Once they'd left, I went to the toilet for what would be the eighth time in a couple of hours. I now can no longer feel my ass. FML
Today, I was stuck in a stiflingly hot port-a-potty for 30 minutes with the worst bowel issues ever due to food poisoning. To make things worse, the maintenance guy came two minutes in to drain the thing and had to wait outside till I was done, muttering angrily at me as I took the humiliating walk of shame to my car. FML
Today, I did a big shit at work and found there was no toilet paper. I had to wipe my ass with disinfectant toilet seat wipes. It burns so bad, I can almost taste it. FML
Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML
Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML
Today, in desperate need of a shit, I quickly ran into a shop to buy toilet paper. I rushed home and unleashed, only to realise I'd bought paper towels. Without options, I had to wipe my ass with them and consequently blocked the toilet. I found rolls of toilet paper while looking for the plunger. FML
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Top comments
Skylae 14
I'm just wondering .. What did you cook ?
kurodansei 16
It's not that OP can't cook, OP just has a talent for biological warfare.
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Comments (121)
worldclassrager 41
That's Mexican for you
blackonblight 33
First, are you sure it was just your cooking and not bad ingredients? If you cook poorly to start with and use spoiled products on top of that, that would explain the level of discomfort you're in. I mean, you shit your SOUL by the sound of it. And I hope you hydrated very well after, that much spewing from the rear is why people die of dysentery and no one wants to go out like an Oregon Trail reference.
tman1985 9
who does number two work for?
vikky538 29
did u cook or undercook..still curious to know what exactly you tried to cook..
theonecasey 27
It's ok my farther-in-law used to be a"chef" i rather eat from the garbage. I'm sorry OP
RaeAnnAngelica 12
Perhaps this was a case of IBS? Feel better OP.
Mooglefox 24
One of those ***** you started saving toilet paper on huh
itsjusttofunny 8
I haven't laughed so hard in years! thank you.
nightstalker282 6
Talk about a shitty situation, lol.
Andicc 19
No. GTFO!
foxwasalamb 24
ive always felt bad because i cant cook but now i dont want to
Farmillionaire 8
you're a female I thought it was in y'alls genetic make-up.
taylahhowell 10
Sounds like you're having a very crappy day.