Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, we had to turn the water off due to a massive leak in the kitchen sink that the plumber was currently fixing. I managed to wait two hours before my uncooperative digestive tract said it couldn't wait any longer and I had to take a mega dump in the bathroom. I couldn't flush the toilet or wash my hands. FML
Today, I had to shit worse than I thought possible at work. I left my desk and hurried towards the bathroom, dropping trou as soon as the door closed. I then tripped over my pant leg, hit my head on the toilet, and came to some minutes later with my ass spewing diarrhea like a volcano. FML
Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML
Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML
Today, I had bad diarrhea. I went to the toilet seven times while my cousins came to spend time with me. I spent more time in the toilet than I did with them. Once they'd left, I went to the toilet for what would be the eighth time in a couple of hours. I now can no longer feel my ass. FML
Today, I was stuck in a stiflingly hot port-a-potty for 30 minutes with the worst bowel issues ever due to food poisoning. To make things worse, the maintenance guy came two minutes in to drain the thing and had to wait outside till I was done, muttering angrily at me as I took the humiliating walk of shame to my car. FML
Today, I did a big shit at work and found there was no toilet paper. I had to wipe my ass with disinfectant toilet seat wipes. It burns so bad, I can almost taste it. FML
Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML
Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML
Today, in desperate need of a shit, I quickly ran into a shop to buy toilet paper. I rushed home and unleashed, only to realise I'd bought paper towels. Without options, I had to wipe my ass with them and consequently blocked the toilet. I found rolls of toilet paper while looking for the plunger. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Skylae 14
I'm just wondering .. What did you cook ?
kurodansei 16
It's not that OP can't cook, OP just has a talent for biological warfare.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (121)
gbrodee1 5
thats shitty
Aero_x 21
Aw, I'm sorry you shat all day, but you are never cookibg for me.
nopasanada 3
wow... you are just full of shit...
cryssycakesx3 23
not anymore...
lbanks_fml 10
Why would you want to feel your OWN asshole?
an3ph 20
I wouldn't want to feel someone else's either!
Guardian88 21
NOTE TO SELF: Dont ever eat your cooking, EVER.
ErinRosado 14
Sounds like my husband...
elizacandle 29
what in the hell did you cook?
mkcherry 14
Think it's time to go to the hospital. Even if it's just to make sure you haven't dehydrated too much. Hope you feel better & have insurance.
poopface82 25
Look on the bright side - now you have a built-in excuse to never cook again.
fleur_de_fevrier_fml 23
It sounds to me like a very bad food poisoning or an allergic reaction. Unless you dumped a whole chili can in your plate, I don't think bad cooking could get you sick like that.