Today, I took a dump in the woods at a secluded lake. I used the leaves of a seemingly harmless tree to clean myself. However, I was unaware that the leaf was poisonous. It feels like a thousand hornets are attacking my ass-crack. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
Today, I came home after being stuck in traffic needing to pee really badly. When I went to the bathroom, my boyfriend was on the toilet. I couldn't hold it longer, so I went into the woods behind our house and found a bush. Relieving myself, my butt started to itch. I was sitting in Poison Ivy. FML
Today, while using a portable restroom at the park, I discovered all too late that some very hostile and territorial hornets had made it their home. FML
Today, I took an incredibly painful dump. After I cleaned myself up, I got up and was about to flush, until I saw something moving around in one of the logs of poop. It looked like an earthworm. It wasn't there when I sat down. FML
Today, I went on a run with this cute guy I know. I was sweating untractively and profusely so I decided to discretly grab a leaf from a tree and wipe my face with it. A bird had done the same with his ass few minutes ago. FML
Today, while finishing up raking leaves, I decided it would be a fun idea to jump into them. After rolling around in the leaves for a bit, I smelled something funny. Turns out I was rolling around in dog shit. FML
Today, I eagerly jumped into a pile of leaves, only to discover via the stench that the neighborhood cats have obviously been using it as their makeshift litter box. FML
Today, I went on a hike. About two miles into the five mile trail, my stomach started to bubble and I realized there were no bathrooms nearby. My only options were to literally shit my pants or shit in a bush. Well, I shit in the bush and had no tissue to wipe. I hate having stomach issues. FML
Today, I tested out my new paintball gun by firing a few rounds into some thick bushes. Nothing could've prepared me for the angry swarm of hornets whose nest I'd apparently shot. I'm in so much pain. FML
Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML
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Top comments
team_cookies 11
I bet that's a pain in the ass
hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml 14
always. bring. toilet. paper.
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Comments (107)
ywolfgl 21
That's gotta suck but bring napkins with u. I ways do
DeidaraAkatsuki 17
Because you never know when you're gonna find yourself taking a dump at a secluded area without toilet paper.
ironichalibut 24
As Towelie always says: "Don't forget to bring a towel when you're going to take a shit in the woods, you never know when you'll need a towel"
license2chill 5
48, I read your quotes in Towelie's voice, in my head...
tjv3 10
You pack it in you pack it out!
hanielfavela 6
Or sacrifice one of ur socks next time... Dont you watch man vs wild!?
andrew6p 19
Poison Ivy?
kokey_kokak 5
Haha sucks to be u bud
MrClean17 15
Oh, that's why they put that "FML" part at the end. I never knew
nightbirdblue 27
Damn, I thought the FML at the end meant Furry Midget Lemons. You learn something new every day.
D3ATHZ3RO 15
Is that why this site is called FML? Wow, mind-blown!
hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml 14
always. bring. toilet. paper.
SammyS2012 21
Right? They make biodegradable toilet paper to use in situations like these. Why would you wipe yourself with a plant you dont even know?
Joe9024 20
Isn't all TP biodegradable?? It always goes away a few months after October, and believe me I've decorated a few trees pretty good.
patrickalamo 48
Or cut up your socks or underwear and go commando.
83babynique 7
Sounds like you are in dire need of some calamine lotion. At least next time you walk in the woods you will bring baby wipes with you.
team_cookies 11
I bet that's a pain in the ass
Pleonasm 36
Ivy what you did there. You need to nettle the score with those poisnous plants, OP.
ManInTheMachine 20
Don't mean to birch in here, but I felt like I had to leaf my own two cents: OP, I wood take this unfortunate incident and tree to learn from it. Use the pain and discomfort as a reminder to be prepared. Deciduous both a favor, as you wouldn't be in pain, and I wouldn't have to read about it.
JT1996_fml 12
You deserve it dumbass, it's easy to tell poisonous plants apart from non-poisonous
Pleonasm 36
I doubt they all have 'This is poisonous' written all over them. He was out of options and probably took it in a haste, it's an honest mistake and mostly bad luck.
katiesam199 11
Right, because everyone is familiar with all the poisonous plants...
twaumat 28
^ what??
eddeeezzyy 19
Though it is not easy to identify particular poisonous plants, it is always important to know that poison ivy and poison oak have 3 leaves per stem. Poison sumac has 9 - 4 on each side, 1 on the top. Especially since that all 3 of these types of poisonous plants seem to be the most occurring.
283leis 8
There are poisonous plants other than poison ivy, oak and sumac.
iluvpeanutbutter 22
Yes, there are, but it's better to at least know a few of them, then none of them. Besides, the OPs name is poisonivyretard.
HayJay316 9
He isn't a plant scientist #6!!!
sarcasm17 10
I agree with this guy actually. If he had no problem taking a dump and then using leaves to clean himself, then he obviously isn't new to the whole camping experience. He really should have known better...
Ki11erC 18
OP is female to all those saying he ;)
meaganxo 14
It will suck when it starts to itch later on :P
asb818 14
It doesn't suck now?
ThePsyche 9
#7 Your comment and profile picture go hand in hand. They both annoy me.
dead_insects 18
Aww what's annoying about an owl #42?
AngrySailor 17
Woo doesn't like owls?
dead_insects 18
whoo indeed! i find it rather WISE to like owls! ^_~
boudin227 13
That's going to be hard to explain to the doctor.. Good luck(:
ElatedEarthling 15
No it won't be. "I wiped my ass with a poisonous leaf." See, simple. However, it may be hard for the doctor to look at. *shudders*
Wizardo 34
May you feel the pain of a thousand suns crashing down upon you... or Rick Ross crowd surfing on you - Tree
MissWhitneyB 17
Yikes! Always be prepared