Today, I thought that working as a lifeguard I would be saving lives, rescuing people and things along those lines. What do I get told to do on my first shift? Clean all the fecal matter and hair out the pool. I almost threw up. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while working as a lifeguard, a kid took a dump in the pool. When I told everyone to clear the pool so we could clean it, another kid promptly stared at me, stood at the shallow end right where I was standing, pulled down his trunks, and peed on my feet. FML
Today, in a 2-hour period at work, I had to talk to the cops, clean up shit and clean up vomit, yet none of these events were related. The worst part is, I work as a lifeguard and none of this is in the job description. FML
Today, whilst at my job as a lifeguard, a small child decided he couldn't hold it any longer and released his bowels in the pool. It was my job to clean up his dump, including the floating pieces of sweetcorn. FML
Today, I was lifeguarding a pool party for a bunch of eight year-olds. One of them decided it'd be funny to have a contest to see who could make the most bubbles with their farts. It led to three kids shitting themselves in the pool, and me having the dubious honor of cleaning it up. FML
Today, I was working my lifeguard job when I had to remind a 17 year-old boy that water is clear and that I could see him pulling his trunks down to moon his friends. Kind of want to drown myself now. FML
Today, while at work I tripped and fell in the pool while moving a waste basket. I nearly drowned and had to be saved. I don't know which is worse the fact that I nearly drowned or the fact that I'm a lifeguard. FML
Today, I was lifeguarding at a community pool when I noticed a toddler go underwater. I quickly jumped in but suddenly got a cramp, which caused me to stall. When I looked up, I saw an old woman saving him, and got a shoe thrown at my head. I was fired. FML
Today, on my first day as a lifeguard, a man had a heart attack in the pool. I jumped in, pulled him out, and even went to the hospital with him. He seemed genuinely offended, saying "You should've let me die." FML
Today, while taking part in a lifeguarding exercise, I was supposed to "drown" to get another guard to save me. After all was done, my boss called me into his office and screamed at me for "drowning the wrong way," and threatening our reputation. FML
Today, while lifeguarding, a kid thought it'd be hilarious to take a crap in the pool. The other kids freaked out and rushed to get out. Several of them slipped on the way out and hurt themselves fairly badly. Two parents are now threatening to sue us, and my boss blames me. FML
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Top comments
Tripartita 45
Congrats, sounds like you're in the "wax-on, wax-off" phase of your training. It starts with cleaning fecal matter and hair out of the pool, but eventually your seasoned old instructor will reveal that he's been subconsciously training you to save lives the whole time.
Burton_Forever 23
Someone has to do it if you weren't the new guy another new guy would have to do it, remember nothing in life is handed to you. You must work for what you want in life.
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Comments (42)
Alup132 22
At least you get to save life's from being infected by diseases solid to a dirty pool!
Tejanoswhy 19
I'm a lifeguard, and don't worry think about it as helping other people by keeping the pool clean. Not everyone's gonna drown on day one
TheNewGuy03 29
If everyone drowned on day one, that would be a highly unfortunate circumstance. Besides, what does OP expect? An episode of Baywatch?
socialproduct 19
Pool stool protection services - still sounds like a pretty important job.
Burton_Forever 23
Someone has to do it if you weren't the new guy another new guy would have to do it, remember nothing in life is handed to you. You must work for what you want in life.
Sliver1991 26
You really didn't consider that keeping the pool clean might be part of the job?
MikaykayUnicorn 36
It sounds like OP was expecting people to just start drowning all over the place so he could swoop in like a hero and save them.
Tripartita 45
Congrats, sounds like you're in the "wax-on, wax-off" phase of your training. It starts with cleaning fecal matter and hair out of the pool, but eventually your seasoned old instructor will reveal that he's been subconsciously training you to save lives the whole time.
RayN156325 21
Since you're new, you probs have to wait a little while before actually saving people, but for now, keep people alive by keeping the pool clean. good luck
Cadburry 11
Cleaning other peoples hair is not a job anyone would want to do! But you can watch hot girls Swimming ;)
Naihz 9
First
tyrspencer 18
@ #3 what about kids with rich parents?
stormy0307 16
They especially should have a job that does something "dirty" or "non-glorious" to humble them and beat the affluenza out of them I've seen that a lot in kids with rich parents. Don't get me wrong, I grew up as upper middle class so I grew up well off and around wealthy people. But my first job was a high school custodian, it made me respect the working class. I'm an engineer now.
ihatedouchbags 17
Why is there fecal matter in the pool???!!
ImTheAlpha 30
Small children who don't know not to poop in the pool, and adults who don't wipe well enough.
arano 29
I get that, but if there's fecal matter in the pool isn't it supposed to get drained and refilled?
TheMathMajor 26
That's why they chlorinate the hell out of public pools. Not so great for your skin, hair, and eyes, but it keeps you from getting pink eye.