Today, I realised I spend more time and receive more satisfaction talking on the phone with Chinese take away than talking to my wife in person. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after hanging up the phone, I realised that telemarketers are my only form of social life. FML
Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML
Today, my friend asked me to order take out for him because he gets nervous on phones. I called a Chinese restaurant, only to get nervous, and hang up. FML
Today, I was so lonely, I wound up talking for two hours to the creep who calls my number every Friday night and makes creepy obscene breathing noises on the other end of the phone. Turns out he's a better listener than my husband. FML
Today, I once again used my phone to get out of a conversation with someone, instead of actually talking to someone on it. FML
Today, I haven’t spoken to my husband in a week, and when I finally spoke to him he thanked me because he’s gotten so much work done round the house, caught up on all his paperwork for his job, and reconnected with his Xbox friends. I didn’t realise I was such a fucking distraction. FML
Today, my husband explained that talking to me makes him miserable. FML
Today, I was eating at a Chinese restaurant, when I stopped the waitress to tell her that even though I am of Chinese heritage, I can't understand a word of Chinese. After an awkward silence, she told me she was actually speaking English. FML
Today, the evening phone conversations with my boyfriend, after I finished all my tasks, used to be the one thing I would be looking forward to all day. It would keep me going. Now, they feel like one more task, one more box to check before I can truly relax. FML
Today, after feeling like I've been sucking as a friend and contacting a friend who has called me their best friend, but doesn't talk to me much, we grabbed a coffee. The whole time I was trying to have a conversation, she was on her phone. FML
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Top comments
amayasoma 19
Aww, poor you. How about discussing this with your wife and seeing if you and her can fix it.
sarcasMystic 0
Imagine the Chinese guy's FML: "Today, I am beginning to get suspicious about one man who keeps calling for Chinese take-out and making conversation. He won't stop calling. FML."
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Comments (182)
perdix 31
I prefer colonoscopies to talking to my wife in person.
chemqueen20 0
gay......?
perdix 31
I guess you don't really know what's involved. When they actually stick the probe in, you are anesthetized so you barely feel the probe. It's probably not like being sodomized (I don't know what that's like.) What I was referring to was the prep procedure where you have to drink about a half a gallon to a gallon of this rancid Gatorade that gives you wild stomach cramps and explosive diarrhea. Fun!
katmandont 0
I was out for mine. I asked to see the movie.
perdix 31
katmandont, I hid the DVD of mine in a "Girls Gone Wild" case. Worst. Bachelor Party. Ever. Except for that one guy. It's awkward having such a weirdo for a boss. :(
katmandont 0
LOL - hilarious!!!
BadLuckTuck 0
More satisfaction? That must be some kinky-ass take out!
tarabelle 7
do you mean take out?
riverdancer12 0
They say take away in the UK, it's the same as take out.
Jordan_McDeere 0
Ireland isn't in the UK....
riverdancer12 0
I know it isn't, but you know what I mean, they use the same kind of words and terms as people in the UK, give or take a few. Like take away.
Eashag 3
@163 Wtf? Yes Ireland is in the UK. The United Kingdom isn't just bloody England, you know? It's the United Kingdom of England, Ireland, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales.
Jordan_McDeere 0
Have you ever looked at a map? Do a really quick Wikipedia search. It is the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. The Republic of Ireland is a separate country. That's why it has the Euro, a different Prime Minister, and is always a different colour on maps... Georgaphy fail.
francesscafish 0
I live in ireland, it's not in the UK.
hifatpeople 0
ydi 4 marrying the wrong 1
tayinator 0
FYwife'sL.
Bwh2q 0
@author - That's because when you tell the take-out place to do something for you, it actually does it.
Freeze_fml 17
I'm disappointed after so many comments that no one has cracked a "me love you long time" joke.
smileysquid 0
i know right...geeze people these days :D
weritomexican 7
cashier: "what order?" op: "uh yes I would like the me love you long time meal." cashier: hot skinny or chubby? op: "Desicions desicions" O.o there you go freeze happy b-day:)
cowcowkrm 0
so get a divorce...
fylnfmlxx 0
asshole
Erindub 0
$5 suckie suckie
ScaryyMary 14
5 dolla make you holla!