Today, I'm going to court to give an eyewitness account of a robbery. Unfortunately, I had a wacky dream last night concerning the robbery, and no longer have any idea of what actually happened in real life. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML
Today, I was robbed while recovering from a robbery. FML
Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML
Today, I was sole witness to an armed robbery. The police farted around so much while not letting me leave until they took my statement that I missed my own fucking wedding. I was in my suit, and literally begging to be allowed to leave. One even joked he was probably doing me a big favour. FML
Today, I had a horribly realistic dream where I was being robbed and had to swallow my wedding ring to save it. After waking up, I realized my wedding ring is in fact gone. The doctor assures me that I will have it back in a day or two. FML
Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML
Today, I woke up at three in the morning when two cops busted in the door to my apartment and a frantic voice on my cellphone saying "Sir? Sir? Are you all right? Sir?" Turns out I had been having a nightmare and dreamed I called 911. I actually did. FML
Today, I had a nightmare in which I murdered a store employee because the store wasn’t selling the item I wanted. I would never do that in real life, and now I feel extremely guilty for how I acted in my dream. FML
Today, I got to see my son's dream of being on television come true. Unfortunately, it was because he'd been arrested for trying to rob a bank. FML
Today, I woke up with a black eye. Why? My husband was having a dream where he was fighting somebody and wound up punching me in the face in his sleep. I had a very important job interview this morning. FML
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Top comments
Corrupt_waffles 13
And this is why, as a forensic scientist, I hate it when courts use eyewitnesses.....it's upsetting. Really. Just tell the courts that you no longer can remember what happened. Don't make crap up and say you still do. That's when innocent people are convicted.
alphaskater09 9
Say what happened in your dream and hopefully get to go to a mental institution and play in the foam room :D
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Comments (102)
Lionesse 15
Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.
SimplyEerb 3
Can't tell a dream apart from reality? I think that's called schizophrenia...
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
I thought they just had hallucinations constantly. It's not really a dream for them. That's their reality.
1crabbygirl 10
You are wrong! That is not schizophrenia. Mental illness isn't stigmatized enough, could you please speculate more often, with as large an audience as possible?!
k_ninjaa 9
schizophrenia is when your senses sense things that aren't there, and they usually heavily influence behavior.
SimplyEerb 3
I wasn't questioning what schizophrenia is because I know what it is. I was only making a mockery of the fact that this person wouldn't be able to decipher a dream from actuality. Which seems unrealistic to me.
Ceejay1 13
It's not ment to be.
Calyx_fml 22
The defendant hired Sandman Defense Attorneys, LLC
beckham2k2 3
Did u just get inception ?
KiwiExchange 16
Mind ******.
ebonyirony 29
I swear he was riding a shark.
Fezla 0
violate a nun
Fezla 0
please violate a nun, hold her down with a gum. stick it up her bum.
KiddNYC1O 22
Go in with a duck face. They'll be so appalled that you'd have to be exempt.