Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I'm babysitting three children under the age of seven. They have no discipline, don't listen, scream all the time, won't nap, terrorize my dog, and have peed their pants a collective 5 times today. I am not getting paid for this. Their mother has no plans to come get them any time soon. FML
Today, I had a phone interview for a better position at work. I've been training my puppy recently not to bark. I put on dog-calming videos while she was in the kennel. During the interview, my neighbor's dog started barking and my dog immediately responded back. My boss ended the interview. FML
Today, I'm babysitting kids whose parents said they would be back by 12. Its 4 a.m. and they still aren't home. I don't get paid enough for this. FML
Today, I came home in an awful mood, and grumbled to my wife that sometimes I want to strangle my boss. My wife regularly screams up and down the house over the most minor shit, but apparently this upset her so much that she took the kids to her mom's, and is demanding I get anger management. FML
Today, I went over to my neighbours' to politely complain about their dog, who had been barking non-stop for hours. This issue has been going on for months, and I finally decided today, of all days, was the day to resolve it. When I got there, they'd just got home from giving birth at the hospital. FML
Today, my babysitter told me to find a replacement, so I tried to bribe her into staying by offering her a raise. She told me that the money would be better spent on an exorcist. FML
Today, I called my usual babysitter, one of the few people who can handle my difficult kids, to ask her to watch them for a night next week. She refused. It turns out my wife has been repeatedly underpaying her and she's fed up with it. So long date nights, I guess. FML
Today, I asked my landlord if I could get a dog. He said no, and gave me an illegal rent increase. FML
Today, I was screaming at my neighbor to shut his dog up. After 30 minutes of bellowing, he yelled back that it was my dog that was barking. He was right. FML
Today, the neighbor's dog has been barking for over 5 hours. It is barking directly at my window. FML
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Top comments
TheIllusion 0
Just be glad it was a blanket and NOT your leg.
EvilDoll 7
how did you decide that the best way to silence a dog was to let him hump something?
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Comments (167)
deviable 9
There are too many dogs as it is. if the dog gets out and impregnates a stray, then the puppies will be strays, and they'll have puppies, and their puppies will have puppies etc, until there isn't anymore room in the shelters and they all get put down. neutering or spaying a dog is painless, balances their hormone levels, making them happier, and soothes their temperament. if they aren't breeding their dog then their's nothing wrong with getting him fixed.
EmmaLiSylvest 0
jtfo sorry that's hairlous
hzlzkgzkgzchxuxh 3
was the dog neutered, because if it wasn't that might of bin it's instinct
Swishmantastic87 0
How did you find out that was the only way to get him to stop. Here is an idea he barks kick him in the balls then he wont want to hump. Oh and be ready to call 911 in case the dog attacks you. Fyl
theznuts 2
lol
jterrible 2
at least you don't join in and spoon with the dog
lovethelady 0
aha that's hilarious!
Tking90 0
i would have shot it and stuffed it before the parents came home
somewizdom 15
You should make him lick you to return the favor
bubo_fml 11
I used to give a dog a balloon to hump. The balloon would pop right in the middle of the boning session, the dog would leap, yelp & run away...Funny shit!!