Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML
Today, while laying in bed, I let out a huge fart. I then heard my roommate yell from outside my room, "Did you think you were alone?" FML
Today, in my sleep I let out a couple of farts. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but on this night I had slept in my mom's room. She came to check in on me and violently woke me up because she thought I pooped in the bed. Now my entire family knows I fart in my sleep. FML
Today, I thought I was going to shit myself at work. I speed-walked all the way to the bathroom clenching for dear life. Barely got my pants down while simultaneously sitting and unleashing. After all that, it was just a gigantic fart. FML
Today, I farted so loudly in my sleep that it woke myself, my husband, and our cat. The cat let me know he was startled by clawing and biting the perceived threat, my bum. FML
Today, I was playing Slender, when I caught a glimpse of the Slenderman. I jumped in my chair, letting rip a huge fart in the process. Nobody heard it, but only because my shrieks of terror drowned out the sound. FML
Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML
Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom, yelling, "Mommy! Mommy! That lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML
Today, at nine months pregnant, I stopped at a truck stop to use the restroom. I opened an unlocked stall door and stood face to face with a woman bent over wiping. She let out a scream so blood-curdlingly loud that I wet myself. FML
Today, I farted so loudly in bed and I woke up my husband. Startled, he thought that someone was entered in our room and fired a shot. FML
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Top comments
chuchusheep 19
this is, hands down, the best FML i have ever read. so awesome.
randomname98 22
At least you have a built in defense system!
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Comments (138)
Solano2580 24
HAHAHAHAHAHA FARTS ARE SO ******* FUNNY!!!!!!!
yeezuschrist420 11
No they aren’t
amileah13 26
I'm more concerned as to why your hubby or boyfriend wouldn't go out there himself if he was with you! Glad you're okay!
leogachi 15
@23 Maybe Op is single.
christopherwilli 14
She never said she was married or in a relationship.
Algorithm 24
In addition to what the others said, not everyone's even straight.
sturschaedel 27
All of the above, plus even if OP is in a relationship with the father of her bump, there are still a lot of possibilities why he wasn't there. Business travels, night out with friends, night shifts, not (yet) living together, only to name a few.
djm2010 8
Or maybe the bae works overnight
toneeangel 22
I understand what they mean she could be single but I understand your point why as a pregnant woman would she investigate instead of calling the police. I see both sides
vikky538 29
Remove All other home security devices you have. By far you got the best security alert system with you.
Reach_117 8
How is this a fml?
ericp96 10
I would be proud of that You single handedly saved your family
laden_swallow09 35
Single fartedly?
mandyn333 10
I'm pregnant too so I completely understand. My fiancé runs when I fart. Lol.
Lalala579121 28
This will be a great story for your child of how they stopped your house from being burgled.
laden_swallow09 35
Saved by the smell!
PunkPrincess_fml 11
Your baby is already a total badass.
tigerzroze 16
Hey at least you scared him away, now maybe he will continue to stay away. :-D