Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML
Today, I gave myself a hernia while farting. FML
Today, I’ve been having the worst gas, nausea, and stomach pain of my life and literally nothing I do works. While I was at work, I farted but it came from the inside out; it was so loud there’s no way everyone didn’t hear it. My stomach started bubbling so loud, the guy sitting behind me got up and walked away. FML
Today, I had some pretty bad stomach pain, so I went to the bathroom. After a few minutes, two girls walked in, taking stalls next to me. That's when my farts began to get very large and explosive. Not only did they break into laughter, they waited for me to come out. FML
Today, I thought I was going to shit myself at work. I speed-walked all the way to the bathroom clenching for dear life. Barely got my pants down while simultaneously sitting and unleashing. After all that, it was just a gigantic fart. FML
Today, I got home with stomach pain and immediately did a 10 second long farting, splattering, spluttering shit into the toilet. Now I know the walls are thin in my flat, but I wasn’t expecting the hot guy next door to say to me through the wall, “Jesus, are you alright in there?” FML
Today, I went to the restroom to pee. A loud fart exploded out of my ass and echoed in the toilet bowl. I could practically feel my face on fire when I saw the horrified look on a little girl's face as I walked out. FML
Today, I tried to let out a small fart in a crowded restaurant. I had diarrhea. I walked past several families to get to the bathroom and clean myself up, only to still go home with a huge wet spot down my ass. My shirt wasn't long enough to hide it. FML
Today, I really had to take a shit. My coworker had gone on lunch break and I was alone in the shop. There were no customers, so to the can I went. Cue a long series of loud wet farts and splashes, followed by the flush. I emerged to see the horrified face of some old lady and her grandson who'd heard everything. FML
Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML
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Top comments
mysadlyfe 9
I lost it at "my asshole went numb" sorry op!! sounds embarassing!
ForFudgeSake 6
You should have gone somewhere farter away.
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Comments (97)
sarneeley 14
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Dude why wouldn't you assume your neighbor might be outside too?
Uglyfeet 23
She didn't assume anything, she was having an insane gastric distress.
Vagitarian1 10
I think I just found the woman of my dreams. IM me baby!
kenyrabit 25
PS. I vote that it's not a big enough deal to survey for neighbors when it's time to fart in your own backyard.
mysadlyfe 9
I lost it at "my asshole went numb" sorry op!! sounds embarassing!
Capt_Obvious 11
Yeah, I stopped and reread that like five times before I got to finish this one.
ForFudgeSake 6
You should have gone somewhere farter away.
Uglyfeet 23
So much better than "stinky situation" puns... :D
MrConcise 35
You don't have to be so anally against repeat pun usage. They may fall flatulent, but that's what the bury--I mean, thumbs down button is for.
tpm45 25
#18, thank you so much for reminding me to dislike your comment... I might have forgotten otherwise.
Katie_9078 8
Aha nice one.
MrConcise 35
@42 - That's fine, it's just that pointing out overused puns like "shitty situation" is more annoying than the puns themselves. Plus I wanted to use flatulent. :)
josebaseball11 14
Your response should have been, "top that." Then walk away.
False_Stupidity 42
But then the neighbors response may well have been "challenge accepted!" and then the fart wars would be on.
wvni 13
#21- I hope the other neighbors won't mind. Or maybe they'll join in...
imlifeless2 25
28- Call of Flatulence: World at War
SmoothPancakes 10
Just as long as her neighbor isn't Michael Moore.
kenyrabit 25
"Let's play Battle-*****!"
seafloam 9
Time to move away.
meladuh 16
That escalated quickly
Godsofdracos 15
Seems legit.
SlipperyNipple 9
Hahha that 'just so you know, i totally heard that' cough.
MoodiQ 8
or maybe its the 'what the hell is this terrible smell I cant breathe' cough
eriksen 16
Hey it's not that bad, maybe he didn't even see you and thought it was someone else.
RedPillSucks 33
I'm sure the neighbor knows who lives next door. Perhaps he can blame it on the dog, or a pet elephant.
buckstop1 37
When #8 said someone else, I think he was referring to possibly the other neighbors
whenitdidhappen 14
what the hell did you eat???
KingSplatter 9
We must know... cuz I have a war of my own going on at the moment
s3kShUn47 20
Probably some Taco Bell, that always get's people going crazy on the toilets
poopoliciouss 2
musta ate that beanstalk ;)
Godsofdracos 15
Probably Mickey D's, tasty-ish going in, explosive coming back out.
dawood_k 27
Oh that's a shitty situation. Embarrassing to the gut
ryanthecheeseguy 18
Jesus Christ we need to ban that comment.
thatguynamedsky 32
I always love it when the picture perfectly reflects the comment
AllKnowingTurtle 9
I think it was because your neighbor was impressed! I mean, a cough? He was left speechless.