Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML

Sick move, bro

Today, I bought my girlfriend a cat. I now have a cat and no girlfriend. FML

Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got out of the box was scratch the shit out of my leg. Next, it ran up to my wife and purred. She said, "Good cat." FML

Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML

Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be a funny idea to spray me with a hose while I was holding a kitten, showing her how cute we were. Needless to say, now I'm covered head to toe in cat scratches. FML

Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML

New horizons

Today, out of a desire for revenge, I went over and confronted the girl my boyfriend cheated with. Somehow, we ended up in bed together. Worse, she's amazing. I'm now seriously considering asking if we can be a throuple. FML

Today, I was playing with my cat and holding her upside down. She started frantically meowing, but I still continued on playing with her. Seconds later, she got explosive diarrhea everywhere, including my hair, face, shirt, and mouth. FML