Today, I had an upset stomach. I decided to quickly take out the trash before heading to the bathroom. As I opened the trash can lid, a raccoon jumped out. I learned the literal meaning of being scared shitless. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML
Today, I went to use a public restroom. I walked into the first stall and found it occupied… by a raccoon. It hissed at me, and in my panic, I backed into a janitor's cart, knocking over the mop and bucket. I had to leave the bathroom drenched in dirty water while a crowd of people watched. FML
Today, I tried to pet what I thought was a cute cat under my porch. As it turned out, it was actually a raccoon. It hissed at me, and I screamed so loud that my neighbors came running. FML
Today, there was an animal rummaging around in my trashcan, so I kicked the trashcan to see what it was. The fox then chased me for three blocks to find out what I was. FML
Today, I woke up and went into the bathroom and noticed a dark mass in the toilet. Thinking someone took a dump and didn't flush, I approached the toilet ready to dispose of it. That's when I noticed its whiskers and ears. It was a rat, and it was alive. FML
Today, I saw a raccoon family on my front porch. There were 3 little babies. Wanting to keep one as a pet, I scooped up one of the babies. The mother raccoon turned around, made a bizarre roaring, hissing sound, and attacked me. I’m currently in the ER covered in grass and scratches. FML
Today, after my house almost got broken into last week, when I heard some noises in the kitchen I went to investigate. I saw a huge rat run across my floor, and nearly peed myself thinking it was an intruder. FML
Today, I had a rumble in my tummy whilst picking up groceries. I tried to let out a little poot, but ended up shitting in my pants. I had to leave without the groceries. FML
Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML
Today, I was on my back patio talking with my husband. It got dark outside, and I saw something shuffling in the back yard. I freaked out so bad that I went to run inside, only to fly face-first into the screen door. Turns out the shuffling was a baby rabbit. FML
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Top comments
Icyghost17 10
I'm sure the raccoon felt the same way.
rikitsumiatsu 11
he was waiting for the perfect moment to get you
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Comments (101)
emoshadow47 9
Uhh, i would have been more worried about how your goin to catch it how long its going to be loose in your house...
lexiieeex3 32
It's not in OP's house. He was taking out the trash.
kayliers 5
11- I love ur profile pic!!!!!!!
calipilot227 16
Someone caught a bad case of retarded...
reject214 10
Well at least you no longer have to go to the bathroom - the bathroom came to you. LMAO!
lexiieeex3 32
If you had that much of an upset stomach, why wouldn't you take care of yourself first?
perdix 31
That's lucky. If you had gone to the bathroom before you took out the trash, you would have had nothing in the chute when the raccoon popped out. There's nothing worse than anal dry heaves.
lexiieeex3 32
Lmfaooo
DerrickJames 33
I see you everywhere.
krylonpony 3
Reminds me of that family guy episode when Peter turned on tv then got mauled by one, then returning to the outhouse to do his business and a pelican type bird knocking it over. Causing an overload of aging decomposing fecal matter to devour his Coon' wounds to the pain that only the hands of hell could deliver.
KingCeltic77 18
Or the dirty joke. Whenever Peter hears it he shots himself. "If you poop in the dream, you poop in real life."
tne201992 12
Haha aww damn it, you guys beat me to it.
holeyman 8
Trying to think of a skunk joke... Whatever just down thumb it
llamafish 25
Well, the FML is about a raccoon after all, not a skunk.
graffitied_love 20
Thumb it down? Don't mind if I do....
supportcommand 17
If you can't think of something why did you continue to type. FYL for being a dumbass.
shadexilmaendu 4
Oh god how did this get here I am not good with computer.
saxetsasnak 5
^you're logged into your FML account...
tne201992 12
I don't know why, he would bring up skunk joke. I don't find being sprayed by one very funny..
tne201992 12
*jokes
babygirl83150 8
Did you feel better afterwards?
CherryLipBalm 1
Well that is a shitty situation. *braces for down votes*
bandit5523 2
I also gave you an up vote. Only because sponge bob seems to be bracing himself for down votes. I love the little guy :)
matt98_fml 13
At least it wasn't a skunk.
ceccles628 6
Well always take care of business first