Today, I had a terrible nightmare involving zombies slashing and eating at my face. I woke up in terror and urine, and found the slashing was very real: it was my cat pawing my face for me to feed him. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML
Today, my cat head-butted me awake as usual. I reached to pet him, but it wasn't his face I touched. It was the still-twitching corpse of the disemboweled rat he held in his jaws. FML
Today, I woke up to my cat slowly dragging her paw across my face. I opened my eyes to see a bloody mouse dangling an inch from my face. It was still twitching. FML
Today, it was my first time sleeping at my boyfriend’s house. I happened to have an incredibly realistic nightmare in which I woke up to thousands of centipedes crawling all over my body. My boyfriend got to watch me scream and slap myself repeatedly. FML
Today, I turned over in my sleep and fell out of bed, face-first into a puddle of cold cat vomit that my cat had left for me. FML
Today, I had a horrific nightmare where I was lost in the woods and got mauled to death by a hungry wolf. I fully blacked out in the dream before waking up in real life, at 3AM, where I found that my room was pitch black because I forgot to open the curtains. I genuinely thought I was dead for about five seconds. FML
Today, I woke up suddenly with giant bugs biting my legs. I screamed, ripped the blanket off the bed and bolted to the bathroom to recover. Turns out it was all a dream, and the person who needed to recover most was my shell-shocked boyfriend who had been sleeping soundly beside me. Sorry, babe. FML
Today, I woke up at 3 a.m. to my cat biting my face. This isn’t the first time this has happened. I’m pretty sure if I die in my sleep, she’ll eat me. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML
Today, I was putting the cat outside. He wouldn't go, so I kicked him. Then I woke up to my husband screaming. I’d been dreaming, and the "cat" I kicked was his family jewels. FML
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Top comments
FMLemur 4
Nothing better than being woken up by a pussy I always say.
DocBastard 40
I'm confused - was the urine yours, or did the car pee on you to wake you? "Dammit, wake up and feed me! No? Well then I'll pee on your head. Wake up!! Still not up? That's it, here come the claws of death!!"
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Comments (100)
alliewillie 22
Well - did you feed him?
tellithowitis 13
Op, cats are living organisms, so they do indeed need fed.
kimgr 9
OP never said he/she never fed the cat.. your cool..the person above editted their comment
tellithowitis 13
Who said op didn't?
j_cat187 20
#1 No, she threw her cat out the window.
thiscrazything 1
Hungry cat was successful and woke you up, the urine thing was probably just bonus points for your cat.
lovepandorasaver 11
No kitty bad Kitty!!!
subversivefreak 2
Kitty has style if it can also invoke horror dreams to wake you up and make sure you get the goodies for them. I wonder if this cat has seen inception :)
glenzhao2 16
You just caught a glimpse of that thing's true form.
Porcupine011 0
LOL I looover the comment lol
KiddNYC1O 22
Zombies are cool.
SkoomaKi 28
You won't be saying that when it's the zombie apocalypse...
KiddNYC1O 22
They hate fast food. =P
silvercamaro 22
^ || || Ok?
KiddNYC1O 22
Ok I made an unpleasant comment, move along.
dorkasaurusROAR 7
I thought that was a really funny joke. (:
theburtonbullet 5
I would be thrilled for a zombie apocalypse
FMLemur 4
Nothing better than being woken up by a pussy I always say.
Jamesdean1956 0
Not a one that scratches you
FMLemur 4
It's even better if they scratch you, then it's construed as kinky.
Eorlas 31
i see what you did there!
Jamesdean1956 0
Bravo
Azula272 14
The only way it could scratch is if it had claws like some sort of Venus fly trap. Or the movie "Teeth" google vag dentada. It burns
Jamesdean1956 0
Do not speak of that movie ever again
Mariebaz 11
Your cat knows how to let you know what it needs, at least.
kimgr 9
Aww that's cute my cat sit at the end of my bed staring at me
TheElderTROLLZ 15
Ok...?
proud2fly 7
5- how is that cute, and what does it have to do with your cat? These situations are not similar.
HellRaiser12321 9
I would accidentally kick the cat off in reflex. That would be some scary shit.
llamafish 25
Zombie cats. They're everywhere.
stormchaser24 24
That is so funny I think. Well, did you feed the cat?
jwilk05 4
I would of killed the damn thing.. I hate cats
Kog_Hiro 17
I want Meow Mix, I want tuna, Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Nom Nom. I am very aware that the Nom Nom part isn't in the song.
silvercamaro 22
Then why'd you put it there?
GirlYouNasty 11
51- I really want to thumbs up your comment but...your picture...it's just too awful.
srhshl 9
Actually, pretty sure most of that isn't the actual song... There might be a different version I don't knoe of but that's definitely not the jingle I remember. I want chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix Meow Mix please deliver! Meow, meow, meow!
shovelface1990 4
Easy fix. Get rid of the cat. You might get noticed by the opposite sex too.
VasilisaUzhasnaj 29
There's nothing in the FML that suggests that OP is single or miserable because they are single. Or that getting rid of the cat would be at all relevant. It's their fault for not feeding it. Hardly fair to throw the poor thing out because it's hungry and caused OP to piss their own bed.
Bekll 31
Who said the cat wasn't being fed? My cats mess with my parents every early morning to be fed. One I had would sneeze in my mother's face to wake her up so she could be fed.
VasilisaUzhasnaj 29
I don't know about that, but my cat only whines to be fed when her food bowl is empty.
shovelface1990 4
I live with two cats. (my girlfriend has an unhealthy obsession with domestic vermin) and they are annoying all the time. Not just when they are hungry.
Crazberry 5
Two whole cats? Someone call Animal Hoarders, that shit's outta control.
shovelface1990 4
Yeah. I'd say so. Animals that make messes. Climb walls destroy furniture and piss on everything. Perfectly acceptable pet right?
Crazberry 5
Dude, that's why you train them not to do that stuff. Pets are only unpleasant to have if they're neglected. They're like children, but better.