Today, I had a relaxing night watching movies with my room-mates. Everyone but I had a girl over to lie with during the movie. The closest I got all night was the multiple times my room-mate's dog tried to mount me. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were trying to get it on on the bed. As soon as things were starting to get heated, I turned over and saw that my dog had not only jumped up on the bed, but had been watching and started to hump the pillow next to our heads. FML
Today, my roommate went away for the weekend so she could hook up with a guy from Tinder that she's never met. This wouldn't be a problem if we hadn't already made plans for my 18th birthday, which is also today. Here's to a night of Netflix with my dog. FML
Today, I was staying over at a friend's house for the weekend. Some girl he knows invited us over to watch a movie. She spent the whole time ignoring the movie and clinging to him, trying to get him to stay, and completely ignoring the fact that I was there and that he was basically my ride. I felt like walking home. FML
Today, I went to the movies with my friend and two pretty girls. During the movie, he made out with both of them, while I sat there awkwardly and watched the movie. FML
Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents, who I haven't known very long. I ended up falling asleep. That doesn't sound so bad, until I woke my drooling self up by snoring extremely loud. FML
Today, the guy I'd been talking to online and liked came to my house party with a bunch of mutual friends. He spent the night sitting in the corner on the sofa talking to my cat. I woke up later to see that not only had he crashed for the night, but he'd curled up in the dog basket. FML
Today, I was watching a movie alone with my girlfriend. She shifted positions as I put my arm around her, and ended up kneeing me in the crotch and shouldering me in the throat simultaneously. FML
Today, I went to see a movie with 4 friends. I didn't realize that I was the only one who didn't have a date. The theater row had just enough room for everyone but me, I got to sit in back of everyone else while they were making out in front of me for 2 hours. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's house. Expecting to get a little action, I was surprised to find that he had fallen asleep while I was showering. I spent my night watching television and browsing the internet while he snored. Loudly. FML
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Top comments
Godfreyy 2
A jar of peanut butter and you could of had a fun night.
Poetaster 10
Dog: ... Knew I should have brought the bitch from down the hall... This guy is never gonna put out- FML
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Comments (88)
torijeanne198705 4
Giggity
KiddNYC1O 22
So you bagged a bitch after all.
axemandackman 0
I think the problem is that the bitches you're always searching for are the wrong species..
tedyesca 0
forgot the me part?
Savra_fml 17
Congrats to the FML mods for fixing the grammatical errors in real time and deleting any obsolete posts there after. However, as mentioned earlier, one more remains. Can you find it?
Ins0mau 20
Yours? *YAWN*
Savra_fml 17
Good one retard. Cracked me up! go to bed if you are sleepy Nearly forgot....LOL!!!
bubo_fml 11
Dogs mount for dominance, not companionship. How does it feel admitting to the world that you are your roommate's dog's bitch?
Savra_fml 17
Know this from experience? Next time bite the dog on the left ear, that shows them who is the boss!
HomeAl0ne 20
Yes, you need to establish your position in the pack. Currently it seems you are in last place, probably due to your inability to either invite a girl over or lick your own balls.
badactor009 0
I can lick my own balls. Never fails to impress.
loonaticaaron 6
ill lie with you :D
TimysterGates 15
Doggy style much?
FatMan23 10
How come when I post stuff like this it always gets turned down? It's the ******* story of my life.
badactor009 0
I would have turned that dog around and dry humped the crap out of him screaming "how do you like that, big boy?". Give the group something to talk about.