Today, I had a relaxing night watching movies with my room-mates. Everyone but I had a girl over to lie with during the movie. The closest I got all night was the multiple times my room-mate's dog tried to mount me. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were trying to get it on on the bed. As soon as things were starting to get heated, I turned over and saw that my dog had not only jumped up on the bed, but had been watching and started to hump the pillow next to our heads. FML
Today, my roommate went away for the weekend so she could hook up with a guy from Tinder that she's never met. This wouldn't be a problem if we hadn't already made plans for my 18th birthday, which is also today. Here's to a night of Netflix with my dog. FML
Today, I was staying over at a friend's house for the weekend. Some girl he knows invited us over to watch a movie. She spent the whole time ignoring the movie and clinging to him, trying to get him to stay, and completely ignoring the fact that I was there and that he was basically my ride. I felt like walking home. FML
Today, I went to the movies with my friend and two pretty girls. During the movie, he made out with both of them, while I sat there awkwardly and watched the movie. FML
Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents, who I haven't known very long. I ended up falling asleep. That doesn't sound so bad, until I woke my drooling self up by snoring extremely loud. FML
Today, the guy I'd been talking to online and liked came to my house party with a bunch of mutual friends. He spent the night sitting in the corner on the sofa talking to my cat. I woke up later to see that not only had he crashed for the night, but he'd curled up in the dog basket. FML
Today, I was watching a movie alone with my girlfriend. She shifted positions as I put my arm around her, and ended up kneeing me in the crotch and shouldering me in the throat simultaneously. FML
Today, I went to see a movie with 4 friends. I didn't realize that I was the only one who didn't have a date. The theater row had just enough room for everyone but me, I got to sit in back of everyone else while they were making out in front of me for 2 hours. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's house. Expecting to get a little action, I was surprised to find that he had fallen asleep while I was showering. I spent my night watching television and browsing the internet while he snored. Loudly. FML
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Top comments
Godfreyy 2
A jar of peanut butter and you could of had a fun night.
Poetaster 10
Dog: ... Knew I should have brought the bitch from down the hall... This guy is never gonna put out- FML
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Comments (88)
3RR0R404 0
Grammar nazis should have been here by now...
Savra_fml 17
There is at least one more error.....
GrammarNazzzzzi 6
Todai is our of day, we doesnt work in hollowin... So has fun u guys!
crymore007 11
20-Everyone but I** If you're gonna be a bitch at least do it right ;D
every1luvsboners 11
As a professional dog sitter I can tell you from experience that it's only weird the first five times. Once you get over that first little "hump" and get a couple under your belt, it's all fun and games. Enjoy yourself and relax, he'll be done before you know it. A word of advice. If you wear a flea collar around your ankle it'll protect you from all the pesky critters.
DQEight 8
You stay away from my dogs lol
_Vamp_ 9
So many thumbs down for such a funny, obviously-not-being-serious comment.
number0 8
Please, OP, make more grammatical errors! I love not being able to properly read FMLs.
leadman1989 16
Like a good piiiiimmmmp Dwyane Barns is there... with a hooker!
Quasar55_fml 18
Well sometimes you can't afford to be picky
Quasar55_fml 18
Well sometimes you can't afford to be picky
perdix 31
So, why you gotta cockblock the dog? You've got nothing else going on.
thefaced 0
Why don't you let it mount you?
Savra_fml 17
Really? You let dogs mount you regularly or just on movie nights?
DocBastard 40
Yes, but a dog licks its ass and then licks your face. Every1luvsboners usually has to pay his hooker $50 before she'll do that. Oh, and you can't **** a dog. Well, I can't. Maybe you can.
Cmdr_Shepard 17
It doesn't really sounds like a "relaxing night" if you were jealous the whole time that you didn't have a girl, not to mention the horny dog. But i know exactly how it feels to see all the guys with girls and you're forever alone. Feels bad, man :( Hopefully, this will push you to go find a woman.