Today, I was showing my boyfriend some stuff I bought that day: a new thong and a bag of his favorite brand of peanuts. He was more excited about the peanuts. FML

Make a scene

Today, I was at a wedding. The ceremony was beautiful, right up until the ring bearer tripped. The rings were fine. However, the emergency chocolate bar I'd hidden in my suit pocket for later flew out and landed in front of the bride and groom. Some wedding photos now feature a chocolate bar in the center aisle. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

Today, a hot girl got into the elevator just as I took a bite out of my Three Musketeers bar. I instinctively smiled at her and chocolate drool poured out of my mouth. FML

Smooth talker

Today, instead of my boyfriend calling me 'his Kit Kat' like he normally does, he called me his 'Kit Kat Chunky.' When I asked him why, he said it's because I'm now 20% chunkier. FML

Today, I went to the grocery store, and I realized that all I bought was cat food and $30 worth of protein bars. Yes, I have become THAT single woman. FML

Today, my mother excitedly jumped up and down, announcing that one of her sweet younger coworkers got engaged. I wished she'd had the same reaction to my engagement when I announced it to her a few days earlier. FML

Today, I hit a new low when I caught myself eating the chocolates that were meant to be part of my boyfriend's Christmas presents. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, my husband excitedly came home from the gun show with a new lower receiver. I, however, had to go back out and get my own birthday cake. FML

Man vs. Machine

Today, I spent way too long battling a vending machine that ate my dollar but didn’t give me my snack. After shaking it, kicking it, and practically hugging it, I finally gave up. As I walked away in defeat, it dropped the snack. I rushed back to claim my prize… and the janitor grabbed it before I could. FML