Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out my husband of 10 years has a online blog. Excited to read about myself, I began skimming, only to find out that every entry is him explaining how he let his "soulmate" walk away 9 years ago because of his "previous commitment" and how he regrets it every day. FML
Today, I found out that my unemployed husband has his own web-comic, that he makes money off it, and that it mainly involves the main character's airhead, money-grubbing wife ruining his life. She looks strikingly like me and shares my name. FML
Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML
Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML
Today, I found out my husband is still friends with someone who talks a lot of crap about me. FML
Today, my husband forgot to log out of his laptop. Out of curiosity, I checked what was on the screen. It turns out he has his own blog where he shares all the intimate details about our sex life. FML
Today, I removed all my online dating profiles. Apparently my ex-husband finds stalking me online preferable to spending time with his new girlfriend. FML
Today, I discovered my husband of 8 years has been replying to an OnlyFans models pics on Twitter. Two weeks ago, I'd found his secret Instagram that only follows two OF models, and she's one of them. He also watches her on Twitch. He doesn't know I know. We've only had sex twice in the last year because he "doesn't think about sex." FML
Today, my ex-husband listed himself as “In a relationship” with the co-worker he constantly reassured me not to worry about on Facebook. The ink on our divorce paperwork hasn’t even dried yet. We had an amicable divorce because he “just wasn’t feeling it anymore.” Now I know why. I’m sick to my stomach. FML
Today, while creeping on my boyfriend's ex-wife’s Facebook, I found out that he used to call her the same nicknames he now calls me. FML
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Top comments
allmidnighteyes 11
Your life is sad not because your past sex life your ex-husband's stand-up material, but because you're still Googling him years after you two split up.
1215116a 14
"She sucks so bad! Literally!"
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Comments (131)
godlybacon 5
Oh wow. At least it'll be kinda funny listening to the sketches. :3
KoolKidFly 0
Not really.... Maybe watching the blooper reels though...
Jacobt24 19
What's the difference between OP orgasming and a horse? Horses are real.
Iamnotmyself 17
..."oh and I tell ya, If I had nickel for every time she shaved her beaver, I'd have a penny!"
13T 0
76- LMAO
ariannaa_fml 17
67: LMFAO!!! I was gonna say something like that!!!
lilwaynerockz_fml 12
no you weren't.
humzizzl3 0
& why exactly were you looking him up on google? creep
DjeePee 25
Painful. I hope none of your relatives has watched his performance.
yomommma 6
have*
juicedboi 7
Remember that time you got out the pineapple? Yeah I bet you're regretting that right about now..
Cryingraven 1
Uh Oh, Grammar Notzi
knights95 9
Nazi*
Tektite 14
Ouch OP... Gotta learn new skills ;)
EvilPotato 15
is the material any good?
allmidnighteyes 11
Your life is sad not because your past sex life your ex-husband's stand-up material, but because you're still Googling him years after you two split up.
lovexbox 8
You always take the words right out of my head.
Opium_Production 5
That picture is from one of the best albums of all time
jamie72596 9
Yea, everybody knows that stalking someone online is what Facebook is for...
whatsittuya 2
I thought it was twitter?
matxjos 0
That Brand New album is so excellent. I made a fml account just to say this.
seeinghourglass 0
Brand New sucks ololol
allmidnighteyes 11
Bro, your about me is the words "nigga fag"; nothing you say is valid ever.
Meattymeatballs 2
Maybe she was bored or something
1215116a 14
"She sucks so bad! Literally!"
aakasht10 0
hahahahha. good one
darebear331 4
i made it 69 yesses get it?
JesusFishTaco 5
I bet it's Walter's wife from Jeff Dunham.
khloeelove 0
Jeff Dunham is a ******* legend !
77wade 0
bro right on how long have u been married Walter. To damn long
zolziski 11
"Be gone Satan! Hello Shamoo..." ps. I'm guessing that's how you spell "Shamoo". Way too lazy to Google right now.
CaptainPickles72 18
You were to lazy to google shammu yet weren't lazy enough to say you're lazy enough to not look it up.
zolziski 11
I see how that could seem a bit contradictory, but when you're on your iPhone it's a lot less effort to simply type that you couldn't be bothered to Google something than to leave FML, open your browser, go to Google, type in your search, find your answer, return to FML, hope you'll still be in the right spot and then reply. I didn't see it being worth the effort. Clearly I'm not feeling as lazy today, else I wouldn't be replying at all. Ps. To the people thumbing me down: Clearly you are not fans of Jeff Dunham and/or Walter, else you'd see past the (evidently annoying) misspelling of Shamuu and following ps and recognize the punchline of one of the funniest jokes ever. WWJD indeed...
zolziski 11
Sorry, it's Shamu* according to Wikipedia.
lotto_boi 3
well i hope u didnt have any disturbing fetish's
Ranimal 12
YDI for googling him. Creepo? Can't cut the strings?
DjeePee 25
Oh, come on, that doesn't make any sense. She would be a creep if she googled his name daily, now she was just curious about what happened to him in all those years. Curiosity is normal, even if it can kill the cat.
Lisa_Simpson_fml 5
Excuse me, but I think it's wrong to say curiosity killed the cat. If it wasn't for curiosity, we wouldn't have evolved very much! The greatest discoveries were made by the curiosity of the greatest minds! Ignorance killed the cat, curiosity was framed. ....and there's nothing wrong with Googling old flames... I still check up on Jesse Grass sometimes... Just to see how his environmentalist group is doing... Hehe.. That's all...
Lisa_Simpson_fml 5
Please excuse my double post, Maggie was crawling on my keyboard.
TheNewGuy03 29
ah, 28, thank god maggie's not a cat, otherwise she'd be dead.
slushpup9696 12
I am going to enjoy Lisa's comments.
Legendslayer222 26
Make a "guest appearance" during one of his shows and knock his teeth out.
mk58 31
Sounds like my favorite course of action.
tygerarmy 35
sounds like assault, and like you want to give him more material.
Fenderz 2
Yeah, you were probably better off before you decided to Google him.
Lisa_Simpson_fml 5
Is he as funny as Krusty? He makes a good clown for us kids, and gave us Itchy and Scratchy, but he's not a very good stand-up comic.. But stand-up comedy greatly exaggerates situations for amusement, and often involves self-deprecation, maybe he talks about his own short-comings, as well.
Jacobt24 19
haha short-comings, their sex life . . .
Lisa_Simpson_fml 5
As an 8 year old girl, I surely have no clue what's so funny. Bart can't stop laughing, and saying "Ha! You said short-comings, you said sexual short-comings!"
ryanst 7
You are really into your username. It's kind of creepy.
Jacobt24 19
I would think that with an IQ of 156 you would know, but then again you're too busy reading books and playing your saxophone pissing off Homer to get out much
Lisa_Simpson_fml 5
IQ measures intelligence, not knowledge. A baby can have a high IQ, as Maggie proved when she cheated on her IQ test. And I don't anger my father, almost never happens. Now go back to your cave, harassing 8 year olds with false information is bad trolling.
ryanst 7
You know, if you were really into character, you wouldn't say "Maggie cheated" you would say "My baby sister Maggie cheated," since the real Lisa wouldn't know or assume everyone knows her family and locals. Just saying.
broadway_babe1 0
maggie cheating on the IQ test didn't prove that babies can have high IQs, it proved that babies can cheat on tests ( she has also proved babies can shoot old men and scale tall buildings... I don't think she's a normal baby though. she also can't talk, even after twenty some years.)
liquidfireKAN 0
Actually 45, she was talking the Jacob who had mentioned Homer. Thus meaning he did indeed know the family. Therefore she knew that Jacob would know that Maggie was her litter sister. You also mentioned how she talk like the character which means that you've obviously watched the show. Which means that you do know the family. lol
ryanst 7
77-Yes, but in some of her other comments she mentions Cletus and Krusty without explaining who they are. I was just giving advice on how to better be into character, since she obviously is basing her comments entirely on her knowledge of the Simpsons. I do find her comments annoying and not very funny though. But that's probably because I've watched every episode of the Simpsons like 10 times.
neonshrimppuff 0
I find it disturbing that you pretend to be an 8-yearold girl.