Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he reached out onto my dressing table to grab the lube. He missed, and found the hand sanitizer instead. I'm not sure who is in more pain. FML
Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML
Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML
Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple of weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I'm allergic to lube. FML
Today, I had a seizure and went to the hospital. Turns out, when you put in a tampon, forget, then get horny, your dildo can push the tampon all the way up to your cervix, where it will fester until you become septic. I'm now on antibiotics and horribly ill, but at least I know why I've been so tired recently. FML
Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML
Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML
Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Today, I had to call poison control on one of my students, because they decided to drink a half a bottle of hand sanitizer. FML
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Top comments
beeship321 5
wow that was a smart move. Do you brush your teeth with toilet cleaner?
deputy_g 5
only time to do that is when you don't know where your penis has been..not for recreational use
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Comments (283)
tweak111 0
lmao dumb ass
rosetta_stoned 0
virgin.
tweak111 0
38..... ur a virgin, lol jaykay:)
savs11 13
why does masturbating make him a virgin? He might just not have a gf or bf. You never know.
DjeePee 25
Whilst masturbating is still completely natural during a relationship, I sincerely hope OP is single. I'm not sure about it, but I think there's a chance he could give his girlfriend an STD.
Senseless_487 29
I don't think stupid is transmitted sexually.
RedPillSucks 33
But doesn't the hand sanitizer kill 99.9% of the germs that cause bad breath... wait, I'm mixing up my commercials...
Coldinside 12
38 If you have to ask, your clearly one.
Coldinside 12
Fair enough, but what's so great about being a virgin? You never said why it's better so I don't see you point...
Lubpynk 0
lmao wow YDI....... that stuff doesn't feel so great when cleaning your hands why would you think it would be ok to use down there?!
colby281 0
haha win bro
DjeePee 25
...why are it always guys who need masturbation lube and are willing to try anything that seems like it? Sometimes I wonder were your brains went. If you need masturbation lube, buy masturbation lube. Problem solved.
gingerkid19 0
*Flying spaghetti monster for the win. and I use moisturizing lotion that I have for chafing. it works well and I never get a brush burn....
docscientist 10
Not only that, but what batter you lose in the process you make up upon climax.
rawr9able 4
Their brains went to their penis. Blood rushes down there and when your horny anything will work for some people. O_o
antaR_10 0
wow sounds like someone need some p-----
Autoshot 9
v
mismonroe 0
WAS THERE NO LOTION?!
colincastleberry 4
ya seriouslly?!? haha
jwinniman 0
seriously
Wezl8 0
This is why I think doctors shouldn't save stupid people. God created natural selection for a reason.
shakeTHEworld 12
harsh, but totally appropriate.
docscientist 10
Lol, no. God didn't create natural selection.
Coldinside 12
In your opinion...
docscientist 10
Religion is an opinion. On whose authority did you hear god created natural selection?
kornhead09 0
on whose authority did you hear God did not create natural selection
ThoughtVortex 0
Well, (without diving into whether or not God exists,) in accordance to the bible, God created man and all it's creatures blah blah blah......"have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth." Genesis 1:28, King James Bible. Having no natural predator, natural selection shouldn't apply to man. However, it seems, natural stupidity is limitless. Thus God created stupid people. Stupid people invented their own way to leave this mortal realm, and those of us still living wonder how someone could be that brainless. Also, Whenever God, (once again, in accordance to the bible,) got tired of our utter stupidity, he went to Noah and told him: build a boat, pack your s****, (and 2 of every animal,) I'm about to drown these dumb-asses. Lo and behold **spoiler alert** he did. That my friends would be 'divine' selection, not natural. All in all, I find the argument rather trivial. As to argue that God created natural selection, is to argue that God created someone people simply for the amusement of watching them kill themselves with the stupidity that they were 'blessed' with. You could argue it. But, even if you win, your god is still a douche. *This text was written by an agnostic. As I stand at a firm indecision I felt it necessary to play the mediator for these previous comments. I am in no way affiliated with any god and his or her teachings. Text is intended for the purpose of further clarification of an entirely pointless argument. Do not use text to facilitate religious discussions and/or arguments. Text is not intended for masturbation; do not ********** to text without proper supervision.
taureanbeauty293 0
Gotta love good reasoning ;) on a comment thread about one who lacks it, no less.
Iknoweverything 29
You didn't think it would be a bad idea after trying it on your hands? Because the list of ************ chemicals goes 1. Lotion 2. Lube 3. Shampoo/soap 4. Massage oil 5. Spit 6. ketchup from the fridge....99. THEN HAND SANITIZER! I also do not recomend masturbating with ketchup... unless you have someone who's a ketchup freak coming to give you head later. (This message is supported by common sense from a woman who doesn't have a dick, but knows how to treat one anyway)
CaptainPickles72 18
Ketchup? Really? Now when I see it I'll think about this comment. O.o You have just given me another reason to never eat ketchup again.
crazyin321 0
That's quite alright, I've never felt that pickles and ketchup go well together, anyway.
CaptainPickles72 18
80- I know right, one wrong stroke and all hell breaks loose down there. O.o
suprmidgt 0
yeah soap in the pee hole sucks. not like hand sanitizer I imagine though.
kritz0 10
Shouldn't spit be #1...the most convenient...and the easiest to shine up a knob...
RedPillSucks 33
How did you get to the hospital? I how you didn't call 911 911: Hello. What's the nature of your emergency? OP: Erm.... I need an ambulance. 911: What kind of injury has happened? OP: Ahhh.... I was using hand sanitizer. 911: How did that cause an injury OP: I was using it as a lubricant to **********. 911: ... OP: Hello? 911: [giggle] OP: It really burns!!! I think it's going to fall off!!!! 911: The ambulance is on its way sir. Next time, may I recommend you use ketchup?
Mubus 0
Fail
mismonroe 0
I disagree. I laughed.
docscientist 10
I lol'd
taureanbeauty293 0
Chronic giggles :D
jellyD 1
hand sanatizer, ska ethanol DOH