Today, I found out that it's extremely difficult to take a dump while holding a cup under your ass for a lab specimen. I also found out that you get so nervous that you can actually forget to lock the door. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML
Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML
Today, I went to take a piss in a public bathroom. Somehow, I managed to completely jam the lock. After minutes of trying to get myself out, I gave up and crawled under the stall, at which point someone walked in and was very surprised to see me on the floor. FML
Today, I had to take a dump in a box for a stool test. FML
Today, I was on the toilet at work. After a very loud and very smelly session, I waited until the other stall had been vacated to keep my anonymity. As I leant forward for some toilet roll, my ID fell out of my pocket and into the next stall. When I came out, it was face up near the sink. FML
Today, I was taking a number two at work and forgot to lock the door. One of the nurses opened the door, but the worst part is that she didn’t close it back all the way and I couldn’t reach it to close it back. FML
Today, I was hit with a sudden urge to shit. I knew it was going to be a bad one, so I ran out of the meeting. I made it to the toilet in time, but I forgot to lift the lid. FML
Today, I locked the door to our only bathroom so my two year old wouldn't get in and make a mess. I crapped my pants while trying to unlock it with the key that rests on the frame. FML
Today, I had no choice but to use a porta potty. I was happy to get a clean one. I wasn't happy when a young child tried opening the door and used enough force to break the lock, showing me sitting on the toilet to the world. FML
Today, working as a CNA, my nurse convinced me that in order to collect a stool sample, you had to have the patient take a dump in your hand. I only found out he was kidding after I collected the sample. FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
F the life of the person that walked in on you and witnessed their own personal live version of "One Guy, One Cup."
Ranora 9
Next time just take a dump, and take a spoon to fill your cup. Or wacth 2girls1cup, they will teach you how to fill a cup.
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Comments (70)
helloitslindsey 0
that's just gross..
sookie21 0
agreed
Yeah_Thats_Me 0
That's hawt.
spoo 24
Yes, he will likely be ridiculed. You could say hell catch crap for it.
redrookie 0
Lolz whats there to b nervous about don't u crap like everyday
cloudy01 0
I don't :
nathan5 0
Every hour for me...
KingDingALing 9
I live on the toilet...
DocBastard 40
Do you shit in a cup every day? No? That's why.
nathan5 0
Do you, Doc? I do. We could do it together sometime...is next Thursday ok for you?
swagerific227 0
THATS WHAT SHE SAID!
Ranora 9
Next time just take a dump, and take a spoon to fill your cup. Or wacth 2girls1cup, they will teach you how to fill a cup.
TheOmen46 1
XD
LDP2 0
Ew!
lol523 0
lmao
EmilyLoveBabyBoo 0
Hahahaha that ***** funny
wilber245 16
I dont think OP wants to eat it after.
BWill9014 4
I don't see how you could be so nervous that you forget to lock the door... just sayin man and did someone walk in on you? or did you realize you didn't lock it and do the good old pants on the ground butt waddle as you made your way to lock the door
zazooftanzania 4
dudde ur supposed to just get a bit they are nt recycling the goddamn thing u just need a small sample
percawesome 0
I can just imagine their shock and admiration when they discover that he gave them the whole thing... hahaha
cmac86 24
21 ^win!
Doortje 30
Just scoop it up with a spoon. And make sure you never use that spoon again.
fthku 13
You can't scoop it up with a spoon, it's gotta come straight from the body, bacteria free. (At least bacteria not related to your body free) I've done this a couple of times and honestly this is really not hard. Like at all. Use a glove, stick that thing under there and shoot! Also, I wouldn't suggest opening it up later. Nothing smells worse than shit that's been in a VERY small container and then re-opened. Worse than any shit you'd run into in the wild that stuff is!
no_luck83 0
and why would you reopen it?
fthku 13
I thought I smelled something funny.
howslife123 0
... I don't suppose op carries a spoon around everywhere with them
aback 5
Shut off the water to the toilet. Flush twice so the tank drains and doesn't refill. Spread a plastic garbage bag in the bowl. Lower the seat. Take a dump. Scoop some poop with something disposable. Never try to exist out in the wild.
talktomandybaby 8
way to much work
MRGalaxc 0
sounds like you've done this before
perdix 31
F the life of the person that walked in on you and witnessed their own personal live version of "One Guy, One Cup."
Ninjafriends 1
Hahaha... greedy guy, doesn't want to share his poo.
wettcherry 0
lmao!!
ZeeBest86 6
bhahahahaaa!!
ageofkyle 0
rofl
alfigel 0
That's why Germans invented toilets for stool inspection where you can crap on a practically flat surface that makes it easier to later pick your specimen e.g. with a small spoon.
Zebidee 9
Gah, those German 'poo-shelf' style toilets are frickin nasty. I'm so glad I don't have one in my apartment.
Ninjafriends 1
Be sure to use sphincter control. You don't want it to overflow onto your hand as you hold the cup. It's not like soft serve ice cream, where you actually want a bit extra.