Today, I finally started exercising. I'm a rather obese person and I'm super pumped up to finally get off my lazy butt and lose some weight. Locking myself in my room, I first started with a very simple exercise: jumping jacks. I farted each time I jumped. I jumped 10 times. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML
Today, I started a new workout routine to get fit. After watching a bunch of online videos, I thought I could jump right in. I overdid it on squats and now can’t sit down without grunting like a wounded animal. I’m now having to climb stairs on all fours. FML
Today, I joined a gym. I’m overweight and not very athletic, so I was nervous. I looked around and tried a treadmill. I start walking at a chill pace, then got ambitious and cranked it to a "light jog." Within seconds, I tripped, fell, and sent the emergency stop button flying across the room. The gym staff ran over and I swear someone said, “Well, at least he’s trying.” FML
Today, I decided to start my exercise video routine. It's an African dance workout DVD. Just as I felt confident and motivated about getting in shape, I realized that my window was wide open and my neighbors were getting a front row seat to me waving my arms in the air like an idiot. FML
Today, I went to the gym for the first time in months. I was so out of shape that I couldn't even finish my warm-up. FML
Today, I decided to start exercising. I almost passed out five minutes into the warm up, and couldn't even stand in the shower afterwards. I'm only 21. FML
Today, I went to the gym for the first time in quite a while. I was feeling pretty good about myself until I realized I'd been on the elliptical machine for twenty minutes without having actually turned it on. I was just moving the pedals and wondering why I wasn’t getting tired. FML
Today, I started doing cardio at my local gym with a basic exercise bike because doing weightlifting by itself wasn't having an effect on my weight. Since I'm out of shape, I did 15 minutes instead of the standard 30. I had to stop at 10 minutes because my legs were so sore they nearly gave out on me when I stood up. FML
Today, I was proud of going to the gym 3 times a week (instead of once a week) to get in relative shape. I even started doing light cardio and (I thought) started to eat better. I've gained six pounds, despite watching what I eat and even increasing the resistance on the exercise bike that I use. FML
Today, was the day I would turn my life around and start losing weight. I went outside for my first run and said, "I got this!" I confidently stepped forward, the first symbolic steps to my new life. In the anticipation, I forgot my porch had steps. I face-planted on my driveway. FML
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Top comments
DocBastard 40
You're going to be a huge hit at the gym. I can see it now...The Gasmaster.
dr_snow_bear 29
A small start is better than no start. Good luck!
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Comments (111)
perdix 31
Go slow and you will gradually get up to 50 jumping jacks and 50 farts. You may want to stick a tube up your ass and capture the methane and hydrogen you produce to fuel an electric generator to light up your neighborhood.
Welshite 40
I'm sure you are hailed as a local hero by your neighborhood for its cheap electricity.
upallnight11 19
That's a fantastic idea! That would be a win-win situation all the way.
seabassofthesea 3
Hahahahaha
perdix 31
By the way, the world thanks you for locking your door. Recently, we've had FMLs where the OP caught a guy trying to suck his own dick and a girl trying to eat herself out, and brain bleach is running in short supply. The image of walking in on a guy with his fat rolls flopping up and down while staccato, periodic farts are emitted would cause The Brain Bleach Panic of '13!
Kyle_Kawi27 7
Keep it up and never give up!
rg350dx 29
^ Hugh Hefners motto
lambda_fml 40
Never Back Down.
twinkiefeets 17
The journey of 1000 miles begins with one step. Good for you and don't be discouraged, everyone farts.
parkwaydrive7 9
Hey man at least you're trying, keep with it!
challan 19
First of all, congratulations for taking this huge step in your life. I recommend walking over jumping jacks. Save your joints from the pressure and your nose from the smell.
skyeyez9 25
Swimming is also great exercise. Its easy on your joints.
perdix 31
#27, wouldn't swimming get your joints all wet and make them very hard to light, mon?
mmizbbz210 13
one of the best comments of the day, in my opinion haha!
upallnight11 19
Maybe you should also do something about your diet.
abbypoo 11
I fart sometimes when I do jumping jacks too, no big deal. It's better than the people who shit themselves when running!
ballpython 15
Good for you!