My body hates me

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML

Today, the waiter farted while I was on a date. My date thought it was me. FML

Nervous

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. While getting down on one knee, he farted. FML

Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML

Today, while wearing a sexy pair of undies for my partner and taking him out on a nice dinner, I trusted a fart walking from the car to the restaurant and shit myself. FML

Today, I accidentally farted while shopping. There was an awkward silence followed by a god-awful stink and a lady's little girl bursting into tears. FML

Today, while I was waitressing, I bent down to pick up a menu and accidentally farted, really loud, at my table. FML

Bad timing, dude

Today, in the middle of asking my girlfriend to marry me, I sneezed so hard that I farted. FML

Today, I let out a huge fart during a job interview. I was the one conducting the interview. FML