Today, I drove my two kids to their friends' houses. In my convertible, looking what I though was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with cute 20 year old girls in front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, "Keep driving dad, you're fat and mom left you for a reason." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "Slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple of little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street, calling me a pedophile. FML
Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML
Today, I went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls "that would be better for him than me." FML
Today, while driving my kids to school, my son said, "Why don't you find another place to live, so we can just live with daddy?" Then my daughter added, "Yeah, 'cause we LOVE Daddy." FML
Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML
Today, I picked up my 17 year-old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said, "So, you're the daddy?" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a hoe and me a perv. FML
Today, I took my 15 year-old daughter driving. I yelled at her for not going safely around corners. On the way home, while demonstrating how to drive right, I went around a corner and hit a cement truck. FML
Today, my dad was driving me to college. I'd cracked a joke about how old people like him shouldn't be allowed to drive, and I guess he took it personally, what with him speeding straight up to the parking lot wall, and only braking after I started shrieking in terror. FML
Today, my dad is too old to drive, period, and yet while I was at work my wife thought it was a good idea to let him try her new Mercedes, which by the way I bought and insured. He used the accelerator like he was driving a shitbox Nissan and destroyed our local kebab shop's big front window and door. FML
Today, I took my daughter to the grocery store. The bag boy seemed to be flirting with me and smiling. He had to be half my age. Once in the car I glimpsed myself in the rear view mirror. I had chocolate completely covering one of my front teeth. FML
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Top comments
jayhawk63 0
Don't be creepin on the young ladies-moral of that story. Your daughter is a smart little girl.
Inkspell 2
ohhh, that sucks..how old is your daughter? that's a terrible thing to say.
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Comments (154)
fneff379 0
This is why I don't want kids; I'd smother the little pricks.
kkkristennnn 0
sketch.
commonsense 0
@14 why would you try to impress young girls with your own kids in the car.......
whattheeff 0
lmao. #37 so true. you just got majorly owned. sorry bud.
The_Wicked_one 0
HOLY CRAP that's so mean number 46 is right bro...your kid kinda owned you. sorry dude.
Fa7_fml 0
PEPPER SPRAY!!!! I'll have to agree with your daughter. Your car is only a part of the whole package that 20 year olds looks for in a man, so give up now that it's too late.
thewhorocks 0
all I can say is fail.
Don_fml 0
She's female... and therefore evil. And crazy.
Ordinary_Zena 0
that's rude that your ex-wife would teach your kids that....
Tehalon 0
Sometimes the truth is harder then a brick wall :(