Today, I drove my two kids to their friends' houses. In my convertible, looking what I though was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with cute 20 year old girls in front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, "Keep driving dad, you're fat and mom left you for a reason." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "Slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple of little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street, calling me a pedophile. FML
Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML
Today, I went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls "that would be better for him than me." FML
Today, while driving my kids to school, my son said, "Why don't you find another place to live, so we can just live with daddy?" Then my daughter added, "Yeah, 'cause we LOVE Daddy." FML
Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML
Today, I picked up my 17 year-old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said, "So, you're the daddy?" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a hoe and me a perv. FML
Today, I took my 15 year-old daughter driving. I yelled at her for not going safely around corners. On the way home, while demonstrating how to drive right, I went around a corner and hit a cement truck. FML
Today, my dad was driving me to college. I'd cracked a joke about how old people like him shouldn't be allowed to drive, and I guess he took it personally, what with him speeding straight up to the parking lot wall, and only braking after I started shrieking in terror. FML
Today, my dad is too old to drive, period, and yet while I was at work my wife thought it was a good idea to let him try her new Mercedes, which by the way I bought and insured. He used the accelerator like he was driving a shitbox Nissan and destroyed our local kebab shop's big front window and door. FML
Today, I took my daughter to the grocery store. The bag boy seemed to be flirting with me and smiling. He had to be half my age. Once in the car I glimpsed myself in the rear view mirror. I had chocolate completely covering one of my front teeth. FML
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Top comments
jayhawk63 0
Don't be creepin on the young ladies-moral of that story. Your daughter is a smart little girl.
Inkspell 2
ohhh, that sucks..how old is your daughter? that's a terrible thing to say.
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Comments (154)
sandy_fml 0
You're obviously a perv for checking out girls half your age, don't add dumbass to the list by doing it with your kids in the car.
DigBigPigFTW 0
PARENTING FAIL! LOLZ?
DigBigPigFTW 0
PARENTING FAIL! LOLZ?
Jaywin 3
Don't hate on the OP. I'm 20 and I know girls my age who have dated guys in their mid 30's who have kids. Granted, these girls I speak of aren't the brightest of the bunch but it's naive to think the OP (even with his less than stellar physique) can't score a young hottie.
tweets 0
i so agree with #31. i'm 20 and its really freakin creepy that u sit there checking out young women like that. men like u are what pepper spray was invented for
Victor_90 0
most of the guys i know in their midlife crisis get a motorcycle. i think its about time you got urs.
BeautyAndBrains 0
I agree with #36, and I think his daughter needs a lesson in manners. What a little bratty bitch!
Sleepzsc 0
Epic Pwn!
lotus_fml 0
Considering the fact you have a daughter that's probably at least 14-15, and you're trying to pick up 20-year old girls with your kids in the car, even -- You definitely deserved that.
deeznutzismine 0
you should have replied 'hey, she left you too'