Today, I drove my two kids to their friends' houses. In my convertible, looking what I though was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with cute 20 year old girls in front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, "Keep driving dad, you're fat and mom left you for a reason." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "Slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple of little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street, calling me a pedophile. FML
Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML
Today, I went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls "that would be better for him than me." FML
Today, while driving my kids to school, my son said, "Why don't you find another place to live, so we can just live with daddy?" Then my daughter added, "Yeah, 'cause we LOVE Daddy." FML
Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML
Today, I picked up my 17 year-old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said, "So, you're the daddy?" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a hoe and me a perv. FML
Today, I took my 15 year-old daughter driving. I yelled at her for not going safely around corners. On the way home, while demonstrating how to drive right, I went around a corner and hit a cement truck. FML
Today, my dad was driving me to college. I'd cracked a joke about how old people like him shouldn't be allowed to drive, and I guess he took it personally, what with him speeding straight up to the parking lot wall, and only braking after I started shrieking in terror. FML
Today, my dad is too old to drive, period, and yet while I was at work my wife thought it was a good idea to let him try her new Mercedes, which by the way I bought and insured. He used the accelerator like he was driving a shitbox Nissan and destroyed our local kebab shop's big front window and door. FML
Today, I took my daughter to the grocery store. The bag boy seemed to be flirting with me and smiling. He had to be half my age. Once in the car I glimpsed myself in the rear view mirror. I had chocolate completely covering one of my front teeth. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
jayhawk63 0
Don't be creepin on the young ladies-moral of that story. Your daughter is a smart little girl.
Inkspell 2
ohhh, that sucks..how old is your daughter? that's a terrible thing to say.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (154)
sugarpopkiss 0
I read this and burst out laughing. OP = Owned. :)
Puolukka 4
Um?! Why does everyone assume that he's over 30?! I know a guy who's 23 and he has a 7 year-old daughter and a 4 year-old son...so when his daughter turns 13, he'll be 29...I don't think that's too old to hit on a 20 year-old girl...lol...people on here are just so judgemental...he could have a teenage girl and still be younger than 30...he'd then have been a teenage Dad which is also pretty stupid...but at least he's not some old creep staring at young girls...
musu_fml 0
#12: I think the drinking age over in the US varies from state to state; 21 in some, 18 in others. To the OP, I'd have turned that car right around and taken them back home. Explain to them that it's not smart or polite to insult someone who is doing you a favour, and suggest that they take the bus in future.
Sulaco_fml 0
"Thanks honey. You're grounded."
watupyo 0
To #55, the drinking age of 21 went national in 1984. Some states do allow exceptions like if your parents give you permission or something, though. It's so stupid...you're a legal adult at 18, but you can't drink 'til you're 21. To #54, if the dad were 20-something, he wouldn't have referred to the girls as 20-year-olds. Man, what a creep, especially since his daughter sounds like she's 14-15...*shudder*
Tucatz 0
I agree with the majority- you got pwn3d by your daughter. As a man in his forties with a 16 year old daughter, I'd say you earned that one, dude. Besides, do you really want to date someone that much younger than you are? You're (hopefully) past the point of being into what's trendy and going clubbing all night. What would you really have in common with these chicks? Go for women nearer your own age. They have more experience at sex, they don't attach all the drama and headgames to it and they're less likely to be after your wallet than a twentysomething that would go after a middle aged man.
kayykatastrophii 0
Your daughter may have said that to throw off you "groove", because children don't like the thought of their parents dating again.
endingcooks 0
HAHA OUCH. how old is your daughter? if it's someone near your daughters age don't date anyone that age.
liza_lou 0
agree with #8 hahahaha
rolfcopter 0
ouch...but in all honesty, picking up 20 year olds with ur kids in the car?