Today, I brought a girl home from a bar. Things were getting hot and heavy when she asked if I had a condom. I opened my wallet to grab the one I keep in there, only to find the empty wrapper in its place; it was the only one I had. It seems drunk me is a bigger jerk than I thought. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was at a restaurant with a girl I like, and as I was getting my wallet out, I dropped a condom. She didn't see anything, and I didn't dare pick it up in case I drew attention to the "object". The waiter walked past, picked up, and held it out to me with a huge grin. FML
Today, a girl I'd been talking to all night actually wanted to come home with me. Stopped to buy condoms. Got home, clothes came off, took out a condom. "Sorry, I'm allergic to latex". She left in a cab. I'm a 27-year old virgin for another night and now have a box of condoms to remind me. FML
Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML
Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML
Today, I whacked off with a condom on and left it in the living room waste basket so it looked like I finally had sex with someone. FML
Today, a girl I like was taking her phone out of her pocket and two condoms fell out. Last week I'd tried hooking up with her and she'd said that she only has sex with a man who is her boyfriend. So I said, “Oh, new boyfriend, huh?” She said, “Nah it’s for hookups, gotta be prepared!” I guess she forgot she lied to me. FML
Today, I opened my boyfriend's bedside table drawer. There was a condom wrapper in there. We don't use condoms. He claims he didn’t have sex with anybody, he just wanted to put the condom over his hand. FML
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I remembered us talking and exchanging phone numbers. When I found the piece of paper, I discovered that instead of writing her number down, I had drunkenly written down my own. FML
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Top comments
Squygm 7
Well, it's not good for the quality of the condom to keep them in your wallet anyway.
lissa_jade 22
"don't have sex because you will get pregnant and die." looks like drunk you was remembering coach carr's sex ed lesson. he was just looking out for you!
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Comments (95)
Jacksparrow72 21
At least you're getting laid.
Senseless_487 29
I see child support and Maury Povich in your future.
tishtashbat 16
YDI for thinking you only having ONE condom. I'll never understand why people don't just buy another pack when stocks are low. What if the last one breaks? Also she deserves it too - girls should carry condoms if there's a chance they're going home with someone. You can't leave it all up to the guy - or you end up in this situation.
vbmg152 19
Next time have more than the old dried out one in your wallet! Condoms dry out in a wallet. It would've broken on you anyway! Probably saved you heart ache 9 months from now!
Kk_Waylen24 21
You only have one??
Ray_of_midnight 23
You shouldn't carry a condom in your wallet anyway, the heat from your body as well as the pressure from being in a wallet will break down the rubber and it'll fail.
xkncas 8
Keeping a condom in your wallet against your body can cause it to become weak from the constant warmth from your body... Geez, they taught me that in sex Ed in 6th grade...in 1996/1997...
gribbles 12
And an std.
Kenton1008 21
It's douchers like you that give decent men a bad name.
riinuliinu 14
you don't remember using it?