Today, I brought a girl home from a bar. Things were getting hot and heavy when she asked if I had a condom. I opened my wallet to grab the one I keep in there, only to find the empty wrapper in its place; it was the only one I had. It seems drunk me is a bigger jerk than I thought. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was at a restaurant with a girl I like, and as I was getting my wallet out, I dropped a condom. She didn't see anything, and I didn't dare pick it up in case I drew attention to the "object". The waiter walked past, picked up, and held it out to me with a huge grin. FML
Today, a girl I'd been talking to all night actually wanted to come home with me. Stopped to buy condoms. Got home, clothes came off, took out a condom. "Sorry, I'm allergic to latex". She left in a cab. I'm a 27-year old virgin for another night and now have a box of condoms to remind me. FML
Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML
Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML
Today, I whacked off with a condom on and left it in the living room waste basket so it looked like I finally had sex with someone. FML
Today, a girl I like was taking her phone out of her pocket and two condoms fell out. Last week I'd tried hooking up with her and she'd said that she only has sex with a man who is her boyfriend. So I said, “Oh, new boyfriend, huh?” She said, “Nah it’s for hookups, gotta be prepared!” I guess she forgot she lied to me. FML
Today, I opened my boyfriend's bedside table drawer. There was a condom wrapper in there. We don't use condoms. He claims he didn’t have sex with anybody, he just wanted to put the condom over his hand. FML
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I remembered us talking and exchanging phone numbers. When I found the piece of paper, I discovered that instead of writing her number down, I had drunkenly written down my own. FML
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Top comments
Squygm 7
Well, it's not good for the quality of the condom to keep them in your wallet anyway.
lissa_jade 22
"don't have sex because you will get pregnant and die." looks like drunk you was remembering coach carr's sex ed lesson. he was just looking out for you!
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Comments (95)
blink_kid 32
At least drunk you used a condom.
attitude_angel 15
Or tried, anyway
Jharrist89 12
Maybe it was a sign that you shouldn't bang her?
ryan112 12
YDI. What man doesn't have a stash of condoms somewhere in his house?
asherm 15
Of course if she was smart, she'd carry a few in purse. Or maybe she doesn't use them, so there's a sign....
coldsteelstu 4
besides having an empty wrapper in your wallet. you took her back to your place..... not like it was some random park or bathroom. you haven't done this to often have you. you always have condoms at home.
TisAPenguin 16
This is why I used to carry condoms. Chicks don't understand that they can take responsibility too.
TheJester12 15
I believe this would be the time to tell her that the emperors new clothes actually just came out with a planned parenthood section at Walmart . " so thin you can't even SEE it ! " amazing !
Ziggy122 15
Hey, at least you remembered to protect yourself when you were drunk...
Ali_Br_fml 33
For some reason, it reminded me of the Eddie Murphy movie the Nutty Professor. Drunk you is the skinny you, a total jerk... Either that or drunk you really likes to jerk it in a condom... Lol
icepick23 12
Just do 69 instead. It's all good.