Today, I brought a girl home from a bar. Things were getting hot and heavy when she asked if I had a condom. I opened my wallet to grab the one I keep in there, only to find the empty wrapper in its place; it was the only one I had. It seems drunk me is a bigger jerk than I thought. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was at a restaurant with a girl I like, and as I was getting my wallet out, I dropped a condom. She didn't see anything, and I didn't dare pick it up in case I drew attention to the "object". The waiter walked past, picked up, and held it out to me with a huge grin. FML
Today, a girl I'd been talking to all night actually wanted to come home with me. Stopped to buy condoms. Got home, clothes came off, took out a condom. "Sorry, I'm allergic to latex". She left in a cab. I'm a 27-year old virgin for another night and now have a box of condoms to remind me. FML
Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML
Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML
Today, I whacked off with a condom on and left it in the living room waste basket so it looked like I finally had sex with someone. FML
Today, a girl I like was taking her phone out of her pocket and two condoms fell out. Last week I'd tried hooking up with her and she'd said that she only has sex with a man who is her boyfriend. So I said, “Oh, new boyfriend, huh?” She said, “Nah it’s for hookups, gotta be prepared!” I guess she forgot she lied to me. FML
Today, I opened my boyfriend's bedside table drawer. There was a condom wrapper in there. We don't use condoms. He claims he didn’t have sex with anybody, he just wanted to put the condom over his hand. FML
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I remembered us talking and exchanging phone numbers. When I found the piece of paper, I discovered that instead of writing her number down, I had drunkenly written down my own. FML
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Top comments
Squygm 7
Well, it's not good for the quality of the condom to keep them in your wallet anyway.
lissa_jade 22
"don't have sex because you will get pregnant and die." looks like drunk you was remembering coach carr's sex ed lesson. he was just looking out for you!
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Comments (95)
jipster 11
Why the **** would you let the wrapper in your wallet?
LaurenAshleigh97 12
Because he was drunk
Misswildsides 22
So did you finish, OP?
AKGirlinSD 20
They still could have done certain things to each other if they wanted to. But that moment probably killed the mood.
Squygm 7
Well, it's not good for the quality of the condom to keep them in your wallet anyway.
Bakarra 22
A slightly poorer quality condom >>>>> no condom at all
jenn1808 16
Obviously they shouldn't have sex without a condom. But if they were going to proceed anyway, a low quality condom IS better than nothing. It's more likely to break, but chance of breaking and sharing fluids >definitely sharing fluids
Bakarra 22
Okay, if the condom is literally broken open then ofcourse it's not gonna work...we are talking about a condom you sit on cuz it's in your wallet. It might be a little roughed up, but if there's no tears than it's still better then no condom
LittlestV 28
#69 - It's not always to do with tears. Any condom kept somewhere enclosed, like a wallet, will get warm and the heat is what can make it less protective. The rubber can end up wearing through quicker with the friction... If you'll excuse the wording.
bfsd42 20
I would say that no condom is better because that would probably lead to no sex. A bad condom could lead to sex with unwanted consequences.
Chucklikesbacon 12
I'm sorry, but you should've checked your wallet. Maybe that'll help you remember for next time.
JoeCookieRaider 5
Re-read the FML. He did check his wallet.
Chucklikesbacon 12
I meant he should check his wallet before he goes out next time. Or am I mis-interpreting this FML?
DaniPandi 22
What I kind of gathered was perhaps he already had had sex? I don't know...
untouchable763 10
Always keep spares bro, especially if you're at your house. That's gotta be the #1 rule of being single >.
MagicGiraffe 12
Isn't that what a night stand is for anyways?
gc327072 31
Nightstands are… for… one night stands?! D: MIND BLOWN!
chanellgymnast 17
You deserve it for putting one in your WALLET.
Bakarra 22
What if he would have gone to her place? "shit babe, sorry I don't keep one on me when i go to a bar to try and get lucky..."
laurennnlovelyyy 4
She should keep a stash too. It takes two to tango and all that...
EsotericBrent 29
I always keep em in my sock, or a pocket. Keeps me focused on my goal for the night
cieloalicia 16
They say not to put them in your wallet for a reason.. It's warm against your body then cools down when you take it out, you can't do that with latex. It will break. Not saying that taking random bar filth home is a good way to meet people.
jenn1808 16
Women can keep condoms too.
claiiire_fml 17
42- Perv
lissa_jade 22
"don't have sex because you will get pregnant and die." looks like drunk you was remembering coach carr's sex ed lesson. he was just looking out for you!
ShananaginsLOL 13
Don't have sex in the missionary position, dont do it standing up, just don't do it!.... Alrite now everyone grab some rubbers.... Hehe I luv that movie
perdix 31
You only have one condom in your whole house? (Zero, actually.) Don't you think you might ever want to go for Round 2, or do you plan on passing out after the first load?
Bakarra 22
he probably just wanted to roll off, grab is oversized belly, make loud satisfied grunting sounds, and catch the end of "the game"as most stereotypical guys would
dogpfcorn 11
His only load now will go into tissue or a toilet.....
AKGirlinSD 20
...Or his belly.
Chucklikesbacon 12
Eew too much detail! The mental picture you guys created cannot be unseen! o.O
then000bster 16
@21... These guys could give a waaayyyy worst explanation. They left it up to your mind to fill in the in between. This is the Internet, get used to it. I will now go into detail of how he finished his desire without the girl. The girl had then said **** this ****. She then proceeded to leave. The guy was seriously disappointed in himself and started to undress. He took off his shirt, his pants, his shoes. He then proceeded to get on his bed and assume a comfortable position, then took a sleeping pill. The end.
zero91 4
on the face of the girl
Bakarra 22
#25 you take your pills only once you've entered a comfortable position which you'd need to move from to take a sleeping pill? That's almost defeating the purpose...
Chucklikesbacon 12
WHAT the HECK goes on in your mind #25?! It must be disturbing to see, what you see. Sleeping pills?! No, just no!
botanistjessica 24
33, you act like sleeping pills are deadly narcotics. Most on the market today, especially the hormonal supplement melatonin, are completely harmless when used as directed.
Chucklikesbacon 12
I was being sarcastic. I guess I shouldn't do that over the internet.
imyourmom 7
Is this an April fools joke on you getting a girl over , haha
savvysomething 5
I hope for your sake you didn't power through anyways... And if you did then its possible ill be seeing a baby daddy post about it in the next couple of weeks.
perdix 31
Go to Plan B, where B stands for *******. After she's done blowing you, pass out (or pretend to do so.) Later, when you wake up you can examine her sleeping carcass and decide to make a clean getaway* or to invest in a three-pack of condoms for your first date. *this involves buying a new house. In some cases, it's worth it.
Chucklikesbacon 12
Diseases can still be transferred over a *******. It's not just the "getting pregnant" aspect that should be watched.
perdix 31
#22, it's very unlikely to get an STD from oral sex, so in the risk/reward analysis, it is so worth it!
Chucklikesbacon 12
It still can happen. I wouldn't want to try it, just because the risk is low. As I said, it still can happen.
perdix 31
What if the guy was really hot and this was your only chance with him?
Bakarra 22
Herpes has mutated in a way that it can directly be transmitted from face to genital contact, and I'd hate to get scabies in my mustache...
Bakarra 22
But regardless, Eva Mendez can give me herpes anyday... #guystuff #swagyolo420
Chucklikesbacon 12
#27, #31 states what I'm thinking. And #32 supports what I'm about to write. I can understand guys might want to do this with a hot girl, but most girls won't feel a huge desire to get an STD, no matter how hot the guy.
dogpfcorn 11
Bacon, you're a buzz kill go home
Chucklikesbacon 12
And I was having so nuch fun expressing my oppinion! Then you told me to go home. That's what I call a buzz kill.
botanistjessica 24
Oops. Nevermind this comment....
jenn1808 16
That's so false. HIV transmission is unlikely, but herpes, chlamydia, etc are all transferred through oral contact
perdix 31
#55, thank you! None of the ones you mentioned are deadly, so you might as well take your chances and enjoy a nice *******.
Chucklikesbacon 12
I give up. That was not what I ment. Next time I'll comment only when I am shure how to say what I mean.
attitude_angel 15
And *sure* how to spell
Chucklikesbacon 12
I grew up speaking two languages, so, naturally, I spell some stuff wrong. Good that there's gramar nazis, so I don't make the same mistakes again.
Zemmiphobia 11
Never seen perdix get burried before now.