Ouch!

Today, my son tripped into a door and slammed it shut. I'd been holding onto the door frame, leaning around to talk to a neighbour, so of course it slammed my fingers. It must be a really sharp door, because I just woke from the surgery to reattach my three amputated fingers. FML

Today, I noticed that the injury on my hand from three weeks ago no longer hurt. A while later, I accidentally slammed that same hand in a door. FML

Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML

Fight! Fight!

Today, I accidentally slapped myself in the face with my belt when I pulled it from my belt loops too quickly. FML

What? How? Why?

Today, I smashed my finger with a hammer. A finger on the hand holding the hammer. FML

How on Earth…?

Today, I cut my finger trying to open a door. Yes, I am just as confused as you are. FML

You're grounded!

Today, I accidentally slammed my leg against the coffee table. It was only after I went to the bathroom a few minutes later that I realized there's now a massive gash on my upper leg. I also got in trouble for yelling, "SON OF A BITCH!" as soon as the impact occurred. FML

I don't know my strength

Today, I gave the back door a slight nudge to make sure it was latched shut. Of course, it flew wide open, causing me to smash my face into the doorframe, fall out onto the back porch writhing in pain, and have blood pissing out of my face. FML

Night fight

Today, after getting up to press snooze on my alarm clock, I climbed back into bed. When I went to reach for the covers quickly because I was cold, I missed, yet still managed to pull back my fist with force punching myself in the face. I now have a bloody fat lip. FML

How does that happen?

Today, I accidentally super-glued my hand to my face while trying to fix a broken pair of glasses. I yanked it off in a panic, taking a patch of my face along with it. FML