Today, Christmas Eve, I told my wife she has three presents to choose from: one large, one small and one tiny. She immediately responded, "Is the tiny one in your pants?". FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, because it was our first Christmas as a couple, I was careful to get my girlfriend what I considered to be a very thoughtful gift. She opened it, took one look at it, made a face like I'd just kicked a puppy, and told me that in future it would be better if I just gave her money so she could buy her own presents. FML
Today, I opened my Christmas presents with my husband. One of the things he got me was a ball gag. "Yeah," he said with a grin, "That one's more for me but I didn't wanna buy myself headphones." Cue our son asking me what it was. FML
Today, my wife asked me to wrap an empty box to put under the Christmas tree. She didn't want her vlog followers to think she didn't get me any gifts. FML
Today, my wife and I were with friends when she said that men who like guns all have tiny penises. "Seriously, even smaller than me!" I added, and only realized what I'd said when the laughter started. FML
Today, I gave my wife a $900 necklace as a special Christmas gift. She gave me a set of Star Wars pajamas. As it turns out, I was more excited to wear my gift than she was to wear hers. FML
Today, I was buying condoms at Walmart. I grabbed the XL size, and the cashier commented, "Ahh, you'll definitely need a smaller size." FML
Today, my girlfriend wanted to try something new in the bedroom, so she got an assortment of different sized cock rings. She laughed when the one we were trying to use kept falling off, and said to try a smaller one. It was the smallest in the set. FML
Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML
Today, while my wife was watching me get undressed she said "Bloody hell, you really are getting a beer belly. And it makes your already tiny willy look even tinier." All her accusations are true. FML
Today, being useless at thinking of gifts, I asked my boyfriend what he wants for Christmas. I said it could be anything that I could afford. He looked me in the eye and said very seriously: "Anal." FML
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Top comments
Dave_Davington 34
Last Christmas, I gave you my dick The very next day, you said it's not very thick This year, to save me from tears I'll give it to someone desperate
maritime1992 5
Oh please. If this FML was about a husband making fun of a wife's loose pussy, everyone would lose their shit and tell her to file for a divorce. Gotta love that double standard.
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Comments (28)
rialbybba 19
I'd return the presents, honestly.
cheshireau 26
Mate, you left yourself open to take reply.
Craio 0
"Huh? You already know about the piercing?"
ohsnapword 21
Ouch, I hope she got you some ointment for that burn.
chessu 21
She was clearly making a joke. Some people are quite sarcastic (including me), and most of the 'mean' stuff I say isn't actually meant in a mean way/should be taken the opposite way. It's not for everyone, but given that this woman is your wife, you must've been aware of this before you married her. Learn to take a joke.
kakabalo 18
now that's a low blow
racejunkie 4
I leave her wiseass
nemcali 34
What a shot below the belt (literally) but it's pretty funny!
foxy_grampa 19
"Why do you have to ruin the surprise like that?" -OP, probably
CGPainting 0
If this is a common thing from your wife, I recommend you get 3 things: 1) A private investigator (to get proof of her cheating, which she IS doing, btw. A woman who fundamentally does not respect her man sexually as a man, is always cheating behind his back. AL-WAYS.) 2) A paternity test (if you have any children with her, or if shes currently pregnant, get a legal paternity test so that IF the kids arent yours- and its quite likely/possible- you at least dont have to keep wasting your own money on offspring that arent biologically yours.) 3) Couples counseling, immediately. Respect needs to come back. Attraction needs to come back. Etc. If all else fails, get a divorce. HOWEVER: It is not necessarily all her fault. If you are not maintaining a good body by going to the gym (do weightlifting full body workouts as well as some iso weight workouts, and sprints).. .if you allowed your teeth to get nasty and yellow (use crest white strips)... if you stink (shower, using irish spring soap and old spice body wash and a general good tea tree shampoo)... etc. Anyway, if you are doing any of the above things (being fat, being stinky, having yellow teeth, OR dressing bad/lame, etc) then you deserve it UNTIL you fix your body. If you fix your physical attractiveness and your wife is still a b*tch? Then shes messed up. Also: Things like your height, your overall frame (bone thickness plus height), and your hairline (if you are losing hair)- these things SHOULD NOT make your wife refuse sex with you, or belittle you, AS THESE ARE THINGS WHICH ARE NATURALLY OCCURRING. However- some women will still have an INSTINCT to belittle even their husbands, for these things... BUT ITS NOT RIGHT TO DO, IN A CIVILIZED SOCIETY, SO THEY NEED COUNSELING TO CORRECT THEIR ATTITUDES, MORALS, EMOTIONS AND BEHAVIORS. Make sense? You need to understand- the way your wife feels is biologically, rawly natural and normal, but its still wrong and uncool in a civilized society. And you need to fix your own looks, and then once youve done that, you need to fix your thing wiht your wife. and if that wont work, do steps 1-3 above and GET OUT and find a wife who loves you! note: If your wife is giving you daily sex, or at least 3x a week, disregard all of this- she obviously loves you and likes you if she is putting out on the reg (putting out = giving you sex). but if she is not putting out enough, and especially if that is coupled with her mysteriously "being busy" at night or whatever or "spending nights at friends houses" or whatever, then you should be VERY WORRIED!