Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I have to deal with being laughed at by my mother and sister, because they keep making sharp movements towards me, causing me to flinch. This is because I got mugged and beaten last night. They think it's hysterical. FML
Today, I was showing some new karate moves in the park to my friends. I mimed a punch behind a girl walking past to show my technique and control, but she must have seen me. She turned around and kicked me in the stomach. To add insult to injury, her technique was better than mine. FML
Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML
Today, I paid my daughter a surprise visit, only to see her husband beating her. I charged in and slammed him into the wall. She screamed at me to stop. They'd recently gotten into martial arts and were sparring, and now he's got a broken arm. FML
Today, I yelled at my oldest son for picking his little brother up by the throat. Only to then be yelled at my my mother-in-law for hurting his feelings. FML
Today, during a party, my drunk mother stumbled over to take a picture of me and my brother. She told me to put a party blower in my mouth for the picture, but I politely declined. She threatened to spank me in front of everyone if I didn't do it. FML
Today, I had to physically restrain my girlfriend from assaulting my father after he drunkenly poked her in the ribs for the fifth time. FML
Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML
Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML
Today, I got dragged into playing doubles tennis. It was me and my wife against her parents. I wound up hitting the ball too hard. My mother-in-law, who has the reaction times of a comatose turtle, got nailed. Everyone's convinced I did it on purpose because of our mutual hatred of each other. FML
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Top comments
ZeroPath5 16
Gotta love those in-laws...
Wizardo 34
One by one OPs family were mysteriously struck down that night, no one knows who was responsible for the ninja like attacks but some say that the OPs tortured soul exacted revenge on all those who fell for the evil wench of an aunts tricks... and that concludes story time guys.
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Comments (80)
septembers_over_fml 3
Um, somebody needs attention .
livforever 13
that sucks, gotta love em.
astralvagan 20
Read #1... Someone beat you to it very early.....
livforever 13
I didn't see it, and it's not the exact same message.
olpally 33
Should have broken them for real If she was gonna be a bitch about it the rest of the night. What an attention *****.
perdix 31
None of the legit martial arts are a match for Douchebag Jiu-Jitsu. Looks like you've been defeated by a Master Black 'Bag.
Latino_Nino 10
Next time to a chuck Norris round-house kick on her
FrankHotpants 31
Either that or a Roadhouse kick will work too.
rememberkids 14
in laws are bitches.
laaryssa 21
Sounds terrible. I'm sorry OP
perdix 31
The good news is that when you do decide to kill her, it won't take much effort. File that away in a safe place ;)
jw90 18
I think she set you up for that.
IAmMe204 25
Yeah, it's cool you know martial arts and all but your mother in law probably wasn't the best idea for a dummy...