Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML
Today, I'm sitting in the ER with a broken finger, all because I beat my little brother in a Wii game. He ran over and twisted my finger, saying, "Now how are you going to beat me, cunt?" FML
Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML
Today, I don't know which is worse: my brother cramming all his sauce bottles into a fridge door shelf that exploded onto the floor when I opened the fridge, or my mother being mad at me because I was upset about slicing open my finger while cleaning up the broken glass and my hand now burns. FML
Today, not only did my deadbeat brother mooch off me for six months, wreck my car, and screw my wife, he just successfully sued me for the medical bills he incurred when I caught them and beat him within an inch of his life. Twelve fucking grand in debt. I should have just stabbed him. FML
Today, my brother-in-law's wife sent me a text venting about her argument with our mother-in-law. She also said said some nasty things about her and I mistakenly shared this info with my “trusted” husband, who immediately told his hot-tempered-momma's girl-IDGAF attitude older sister, who now plans on beating her ass. This is bad. FML
Today, I washed the dishes for my mom while she was out, as they seemed to be piling up. I accidentally sliced my hand with a knife in the process. After a trip to the hospital, it was revealed she'd been leaving those dishes there "to teach dad a lesson." FML
Today, my mom tried to worm her way back into my life by manipulating my brother into doing the dirty work for her. I pretended to swallow the bullshit and invited her over, just so I could slam the door in her face. My brother says I went too far, like he somehow forgot what a shit mom she was. FML
Today, my mom got blackout drunk and tried to fight me, my stepdad, and my brother, resulting in my stepdad leaving, my brother getting two holes from a metal shelf my mom tried to joust him with, and I got bit. FML
Today, after agreeing to hang out with my husband and his alcoholic mother after his father’s suicide, my mother-in-law found out that my sister-in-law and I playfully insult each other. She lost her mind and practically bit my head off, relapsed, and blamed my “disrespecting her daughter” on said relapse. FML
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Top comments
abzray123 7
Nothing worse then a pissed off in-law... Run girl!
Welshite 40
I guess he thinks he's a cyborg, since Bishop is the only one I know who wins at that game.
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Comments (77)
tchatfield9413 6
hello
sweetnsourrr 11
HELLO!!!!
abzray123 7
Nothing worse then a pissed off in-law... Run girl!
ktmla 14
It's moronic of him weather he was dared or not. That really doesn't make a difference
cryssycakesx3 23
whether*
cryssycakesx3 23
well either OP married married the brother or OP's sister marries them. I don't think the BIL is the only moron.
Chelsea_bella 20
#34 was simply referring to the weather we're having in Florida.
Bullet75 8
You correct grammar then proceed to put a word twice?
Welshite 40
I guess he thinks he's a cyborg, since Bishop is the only one I know who wins at that game.
Warmonger_Smurf 29
Bishop missed as well.
LowExpectations 30
Even Bishop nicked his finger playing that game.
Ieri 31
How does the amount of blood you lose from slicing a finger, require blood donation? Try to explain it to her OP, either way you aren't forced to give blood. Hope no more accidents happen out of their stupidity for you to take the blame.
mannatee 19
That's not what OP meant
tchatfield9413 6
I don't think she wants her blood for a donation.
cjwayy 22
Saying you "want someone's blood" is a figure of speech.
sunshineb81 16
#5 are you by chance related to the "brain dead brother in law?" She didn't literally mean she had to donate her blood. It's a figure of speech.
ProctorKProducti 5
You are literally the most retarded person on earth.
rocker_chick23 27
*headdesk* #5, please tell us that you're not this stupid in real life. "Wants my blood" is something known as a figure of speech.
Sirin_fml 47
She's from Albania. Calling her stupid for not knowing a figure of speech from a language she doesn't speak natively is a bit... stupid.
graceinsheepwear 34
#5's location says Albania, so they may not be familiar with this American figure of speech meaning to want revenge.
Sassie8810 9
It's okay #5. English is my native language, and I had to read the FML twice to understand what the OP meant.
cryssycakesx3 23
people are really harsh for absolutely no reason at all. *that's* stupid. get a life bros.
RedPillSucks 33
At what point will you knuckle heads realize that this is the internet and not just people from English speaking countries use the site?
FatherofTime87 18
Wow... and I thought I had dumb comments...
Ieri 31
Ah, sorry. I hadn't come across that expression before so I thought she meant it literally. My bad, as some people stated I'm not a native speaker and I just took it literally, didn't mean to sound stupid ^-^''
guineagirl96 38
It's ok people overreact. A lot of figure of speeches don't make any sense literally.
WhatsYOURname6 25
Haha I hate that.. Parents thinking their kids are so innocent and blaming others for their shitty actions!
jazzy_123 20
even worse when they brag about how perfect they are and you know there faaaar from that lol
brackaman 18
Really? My mom always told me how stupid I was and believed that I was some sort of natural criminal in the making. I suppose it varies between parents.
jazzy_123 20
Yeah really. Well I knew a girl in high school who slept around a lot and she didn't care what people said. Her mom didn't know that despite allowing her daughter to dress half naked and encouraged Flirty behavior. She would always brag about her to my friends saying what a good daughter she had and how any man would be lucky to have her.... lucky? Oh Yeah. I understand that's not the situation for everyone.
romanova83 6
that's why there are lots of messed up kids these days.
captainsmegma 12
yeah he is
rocker_chick23 27
Sounds like she is as stupid as her son. Sorry you have to put up with that OP.
chappygotdahappy 2
Good luck, it sounds like you need it.
worldclassrager 41
Oh in laws the best thing about being married *scaram*
aruam365 24
Is scaram similar to sarcasm?
littlekellilee 45
He just asked them to leave in a fun, cartoony way. Sca-ram
brackaman 18
No silly. Can't you tell by his profile picture that it's the evil way of saying shalom.
AznLuvsMusic 26
I'm not saying it's your fault, but did you at least make an attempt to stop him?
KingLewisII 34
In the words of Ron White "you can't fix stupid" I would just make sure he doesn't bleed all over everything
rocker_chick23 27
I have a feeling OP did, but he didn't listen to her.
nix1993 41
It doesn't matter if he did or not. His brother-in-law is the moron who decided to play with knives, anybody else's input is pretty much irrelevant to the outcome.
RedPillSucks 33
@24 Unless she had a gun (or a bigger knife) how is she going to stop him?