Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML
Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to take a video of his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML
Today, holding my teenager's hand at the hospital, I unfortunately had a front row seat as a nurse manipulated his penis trying to pop a ball bearing out of his urethra. He had been curious to see if it fit. It did. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t pee it out, so off to the hospital we went. FML
Today, my ambulance got called out for a "stomach pain" patient. Upon assessment, the guy really did have stomach pain. His colostomy bag fell off a week ago, so to stop the crap from falling out, he duct taped it shut. It exploded when I helped him up. FML
Today, at the age of 25, for the first time in my life, I was lying mostly naked in front of a man while he was inserting something in my body. Too bad that man was a doctor and that thing was a colonoscopy. FML
Today, a patient at the hospital I work at had a tracheal tube and couldn't speak. I'm unable to read lips, but I'm pretty sure he was mouthing the words "Stupid bitch" every time I tried to stop him from pulling out his IV. FML
Today, I went to the ER as I have an ulcer and I was exhibiting signs of a perforation. This is when the gorgeous doctor told me he had to stick his finger up my butt to check for rectal bleeding. FML
Today, I learned that even though they say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, it doesn't keep him from putting a Q-tip up your ass. FML
Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML
Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML
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Top comments
WCARlover 35
I get calls from assholes all the time, though...(I work in retail)
Nyx_fml 23
Hey, he was just trying to make contact with Uranus. Or Hisanus, rather.
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Comments (190)
Poetaster 10
I take it he was talking outta his butt?
phoneYuNOlisten 16
Good to get puns in
Enslaved 38
Maybe his gerbil wanted to make a call.
aaron_usmc 0
Can you hear me now?..... shit dropped the call.
theboy13 13
the vibrator apps need a warning on them I guess .....
dannnngthatsux 19
"It was just sitting on the couch, I left for more popcorn, came back and sat on it. All the way? Oh, I.wasn't sure what it was so rather than get up, I.tried wiggling to get it out." Better than a lightbulb. Look it up folks.
neuroticallyyour_fml 17
I guess he missed the memo about never sticking anything up your ass without a flared base. Your life sucks but he deserves it.
HeartOfLead 24
This FML sounds familiar...
threer 30
DocBastard, is that you?
threer 30
Wait, shit. Did I really just find the exact same comment above me???
PenguinBitch 44
Is that you Doc Bastard? ....ha!
The_Mr_Troll 14
That makes me think of an episode of The Big Bang Theory... Secretary: "I've got a robot hand graspin' a man's penis out here!" Howard: "Could you be a little more discreet!?" Secretary: "I'm sorry, we don't have code for a robot hand graspin' a man's penis."
Trish01 23
It reminds me of Scrubs where they have an "ass box" with all the things they removed from people's ass holes :D They also brainstorm extensively on how to remove a lightbulb without breaking it