Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML
Today, surprisingly, my roommate made a nice meal. Within an hour, I started throwing up. When I confronted her, she confessed that she'd used long expired ingredients, including meat, because she didn't want the garbage men to think she's "the type that wastes food." FML
Today, my roommate decided to go vegan and threw all of MY meats, cheeses, chocolates and even beans for some reason in the trash, because he "doesn't need that kind of toxic waste" in his life. FML
Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night choking and had to open my bedroom window. No, it wasn’t a gas leak. My husband had a curry last night and his constant farting was so bad I was struggling to breathe. FML
Today, when my roommate asked me what was wrong, I told him that something I ate was making me feel sick. He works 10+ hours a day, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that the putrid smell of his feet was making me nauseous. FML
Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML
Today, my roommates decided to do some experimental baking. To be supportive, I tried one of their creations. I've been alternating between vomiting and diarrhea for the past hour. My jaw is sore from vomiting, and I can barely muster the energy to flush between "switching sides" anymore. FML
Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML
Today, my mother bolted into my room and let out a huge fart that smelled like rotten meat because she wanted to prove a point, that she had been having intestinal problems for three days. FML
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Top comments
SirCuDi 9
Buy a gas mask
Zeronos 0
Call of dooty: Fart Ops.
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Comments (128)
mdtdnb 7
Go stay at a friend's house!
Savra_fml 17
Operator: "Hello. This is the flatulence hotline. Can you hold please?" OP: "No I can't. This is an emergency" Operator: "OK. Don't panic. Just breathe deeply" *OPs roommate walks past* Operator: "Hello? Hello? Hell..." FYL OP
iRuleUdrool 4
Dramatic
blaackandprouud 20
Ok so I was being a stalker and looked at your profile. You stated " Grammer. Spelling." now, I'm not a GRAMMAR Nazi but that's pissing me off. God lord, please change it and spell right since you love spelling. I cannot begin to say how ironic that is. GRAMMAR. No E.
tj4234 36
**Edit** I clicked reply to the wrong one >.>. My bad :L.
OfficeNinja 5
Fart war! Now you know why "general Tso's chicken" is on the menu of every Chinese take out place. General Tso won the great fart wars of feudal china.
Timmeeh 17
Light a candle. Seriously, it'll really help.
Enslaved 38
Haha? I'm now picturing that "Dumb and Dumber" scene! *Singing* Flowers in her hair, la la la la la....
lilcrazyOo 0
don't worry that'll go away...... eventually .......
csosa187 1
Don't worry OP, It is normal to have intense gas after switching from an omnivorous lifestyle to a vegetarian one. The longer they stay on their new diet, the smelly gas will go away. In other words, 'you've gotta hold on, to what you got, it doesn't make a difference whether you make it or not...'
yourlifesfucked 0
Oh god, just no. Do NOT ruin Bon Jovi for me...
docscientist 10
It would be amusing if carbon monoxide seeped through the night, making this Fml op's last will and testament.
perdix 31
The good news is that there is no way you'd literally die from her toxic farts. That's also the bad news as death is an attractive alternative to inhaling rotting vegetable vapors.
TheDrifter 24
Exactly. There are more noxious emissions coming out of the tailpipe of the average hippie than the average SUV and they don't just drop dead too often.
LullzKitteh 1
actually, perdix, you're wrong about that. there is a case in recent medical literature where a man literally farted himself to death, and asphyxiated due to lack of oxygen!
TwoZeroOZ 2
Because toxic gas is your bodies way of telling you that you're on the right diet! ...According to a vegetarian, at least.