Today, after dealing with infidelity in my marriage, I found myself looking for advice. This led me to the comments section of a tabloid article talking about Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson. I'm a 30-year-old man taking marriage advice from a bunch of vampire-obsessed tweens. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Same thing different taste
Today, I came home and caught my husband in a compromising position. He was watching Twilight. FML
Stuck in the past
Today, I found out my boyfriend still writes Twilight fan fiction. FML
Today, I took the day off work to be with my wife, since she's always bemoaning my lack of romantic gestures. As thanks, she spent most of the day reading Fifty Shades of Grey, which is basically a blatant plagiarism of Twilight, starring a pair of two-dimensional BDSM freaks. FML
Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML
Never forget
Today, I found out my husband has been messaging younger girls on Tinder and trying to meet up. I asked him why he would do such a thing when we have a healthy sex life. His response was ,“They’re just hotter, just like that senior football player you cheated on me with in sophomore year high school.” We’re 40 now. FML
Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her Edward Cullen cut-out. She won't tell me what's wrong, yet she can confide in a creepy fictional stalker whose facial expression is locked to "chronically constipated". Where did I go wrong? FML
Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML
Play stupid games…
Today, I thought I’d get revenge on my cheating husband by seducing the woman he’s been seeing behind my back. Unfortunately, even though I’ve never been attracted to women, I’ve inexplicably fallen head over heels in love with her. What now? FML
Today, I learned how unhappy my husband is in our marriage. Apparently he also can't find a good woman. We didn't have a heart-to-heart, I read his woes in a blog. FML
Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who's been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML
Top comments
Pleonasm 36
"Still a better love story than twilight" comments are coming.
tinysocks 11
That's never a nice place to find yourself, good luck man...
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Comments (87)
loloalltheway 23
What is wrong with twilight? I like the movies :)
ManInTheMachine 20
You just opened Pandora's box of people who seem to think it's 'cool' to be completely against anything modern that comes out. Before you get ripped to shreds, you're completely entitled to your opinion, and don't let anyone calling you an idiot or the movies stupid change that. :) Well, here's why I don't like the movies or books: -Sparkly vampires. I'm done.
gracehi 33
Ugh. You liked the MOVIES??? I enjoyed all the Twilight books. Then I got half way through the first movie and was like, "What the **** is this boring shit?" and turned it off. 13, I don't know where you're getting that, unless the movies really deviate from the books. The reason I liked Jacob better than Edward was because Edward is a doormat with the same self-esteem issues as Bella.
rattusrattus 19
@31 I read the books, enjoyed them, watched the film, thought it was shit, reread the books and realised all the good bits came from my own head. Turns out that, amongst other things, Victoria never made a deal with Lucifer for tendril-whip powers. :(
gracehi 33
I don't recall him lying to her in the books. The closest he gets to that, that I can remember, is simply not telling her that Victoria is back so she doesn't panic. He leaves her without notice because Jasper almost killed her, and he thinks that he is putting her in danger by being with her. While he's gone he tries to track and kill Visitora and expects the werewolves to keep watch over Bella. He sabotages her truck because Jacob could transform into a deadly violent werewolf at any moment and fears for her life. Edward relents once she sneaks away to see Jacob and tells her, "If you really think you're safe with him then I trust your judgment," or something like that. I don't recall him ever telling her she's not good enough for him, except perhaps the one time he left her and I think he simply said, "You're no good for me," only because it was the only way he could think of to get her to accept the breakup. Nor do I recall him ever threatening to kill himself. He said he would, but not as a threat. He only said that he planned to kill himself once she died because he couldn't stand to live without her. Not exactly a threat, since death isn't something she can avoid (as a human) and she wouldn't know once she was dead anyway.
gracehi 33
That may be true, but you do realize you're talking about a person in love triangle with two mythical creatures, right? Nothing even remotely similar to what happens in that story would ever happen in real life. I think it's silly to take something that's pure fantasy so seriously. It's like those people who hate Harry Potter because they promote the practice of witchcraft. Come on, people. Lighten up.
AzNbABe69 0
37 You know it's just a movie right? Just purely for entertainment. It's really not that serious. Movies are suppose to be fun, entertaining, interesting, etc. If most movies were too much like real life, who the hell would be going to watch them. Movies would be sooo boring. So actually all those negative comments about the movie, is making the movie more entertaining and fun to watch. Open your imagination--- you might just have a good time!
loloalltheway 23
I did expect this comment to get buried and people to hate on twilight. I am glad to see i was wrong and to see fellow twilight fans here in the FML community :) And yes, the books are indeed better but I have to say the movies are equally breathtaking.
gracehi 33
I was equally surprised! I think this is the first time someone mentioned they liked Twilight and they didn't get ganged up on by everybody and their mom. Oh, FML people. You make me so proud. *sniff* :')
loloalltheway 23
Thank you gracehi !!! Us twilight fans in the FML community will increase and we will be more!!!!! At least I hope that :)
FaygoAndMiracles 18
Okay guys, you have your right to dislike a movie, but if someone likes a movie, you don't have to criticize their movie tastes. This person enjoys the movies, they don't make them, telling them that you don't like their taste in movies won't make the movies go away. Even if some things about Bella and Edward's relationship were unhealthy, it was fictional, and it's not like it's a really realistic portrayal of a relationship, considering most relationships don't have vampires in them.
koolkat27 13
I just don't like the movies because the acting is shit, especially Kristen Stewart's acting.
Moappamo 2
It's safe to assume that you aren't very bright. Honestly, you shouldn't even bat an eye at those compilations of "valuable" information. What you need is to revamp your entire life.
RedPillSucks 33
good job. for some reason, these puns went over my head at first reading.
Pleonasm 36
What a dazzling array of puns. I hope you get a nice, shiny medal for that run!
Demonfish 14
You really must be desperate OP. In these situations (can't say I've been in many) I think I'd prefer the route of severe depression, and aggression. But, I am a little unhinged... How about you take comfort in the fact that your doing better than a random person on the Internet would be in your position :)
Pleonasm 36
Was it to feel better about your relationship?
loserboii 11
Of course! He'll show those tweens how to run a marriage!
loloalltheway 23
Why did you post two comments on the same FML post? Though it's okey, you are funny :)
Pleonasm 36
Since you want to know, it's because I wanted to reply to a comment, but I had already made another comment just a little time before, so they didn't let me post my reply straight away. So when I finally could reply, it had cancelled my target for said reply and my reply just landed in the comment zone at the end. I couldn't have any of that, so I editted my comment to this ;)
gracehi 33
And now you're looking for advice from the FML community. Not that you need it. I think you know exactly what you should do.
fnyunj 3
My advice: leave. Never trust a cheater.
perdix 31
Listen to them. They are probably right. The swarm has wisdom. Personally, I get all of my career planning guidance from FML and look how well I'm doing!
ICastillo 25
What they tell you to do sprinkle glitter on yourself and run around acting like a douchey vampire....
doglover100 29
Their relationship doesn't even seem real. Although he is a vampire, aspects of their relationship would be like a real one, but it isn't. Edward stalks her and watches her sleep, how does she find that romantic?
KiddNYC1O 22
And you now ended up at the right place =]