Today, I was stuck on the toilet for hours after eating some questionable seafood. During this time, I watched through the open door as my dog destroyed the nice shoes I just bought, as well as the tux I rented for my sister's wedding. The wedding is in 12 hours. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I spent all day and last night in the bathroom. The seafood I'd been keeping in the refrigerator apparently had gone bad, and is now intent on finding its every possible route to the Great Porcelain Whirlpool. FML
Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML
Today, I had diarrhea and shit myself. During my wedding. In my wedding dress. FML
Today, I warned my husband not to eat the seafood he'd left on the counter. He insisted it was fine. He’s now been in the bathroom shitting, puking and wailing for three hours. Our place is tiny and the bathroom is attached to our bedroom. The door doesn’t keep out the noise or the rancid smell. FML
Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML
Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML
Today, I went home for lunch. Upon opening the door, I smelled something horrid. My dog had opened his cage, eaten all the dog treats, and had diarrhea all over my bed and bedroom floor. FML
Today, during an emergency bathroom visit, I finally broke the toilet seat my fiance had nagged me for months to replace. The broken seat sent me sprawling to the floor. I was still shitting. FML
Today, my dog chewed through his leash, so I had to take him inside to prevent him from running off. I went to bed. I woke up to torn-up blinds, half-ate sandals, and a very, very anxious cat due to my dog running after her and trying to sniff her butt. FML
Today, I stepped in dog shit, barefoot, in my own bathroom. The dog had been outside for two hours earlier, and I'd watched him take a dump. Apparently he was saving some for when he got back in the house. FML
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Top comments
olpally 33
I've heard of "my dog ate my homework" excuse, but this is a new one. Go find another one at a store and quick!
mandygrl25 18
Why did you keep the suit within your dogs reach?
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Comments (56)
Barriaultcory 16
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Just show up in your birthday suit and claim to be extremely drunk
LissaMccracken 23
How is that a good idea??
Zebediabolical 45
It's an idea that's so terrible it loops all the way back around to awesome!
lordslaya53 14
What if the dog ate his birthday suit? *shudders*
fml1365 30
I sea you had a ruff time.
Arrow44 10
Damnit we already had a bad pun string on a FML yesterday let's not start this again.
fml1365 30
What one :)
Barriaultcory 16
It isn't a good idea but idk what would be in that situation
olpally 33
I've heard of "my dog ate my homework" excuse, but this is a new one. Go find another one at a store and quick!
Zebediabolical 45
I used 'my dog ate my homework' as an excuse one time. The teacher didn't believe me so I showed her the video. The really hard part was getting the kibble to stick to the pages!
singer0421 32
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
My question... Why was you bathroom door open in the first place?? but sorry man, FYL.
Omfgitsmia 15
He probably lives alone.
SeedlessMe 13
Yes, I will attest to that. When you live alone with a dog, you're not allowed to have privacy. Lol
webbface 25
Especially if you are ******** like OP, the door being open is a good thing. Sea food coming back out could be quite suffocating if trapped in.
HeartOfLead 24
Can't always trust seafood. Too many FMLs about the trouble it causes.
BntyHntrSeattle 30
I bet he, too, now "seas food differently."
crackmore278 13
That dog is in for one heck of a time out
LowExpectations 30
God damn it, you got me picturing a dog in a tux being the classiest party guest ever.
Altar_fml 2
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I wish you all the best in your marriage.
LissaMccracken 23
Sisters wedding, not his.
eddeeezzyy 19
Plot twist: OP is marrying his sister.
mandygrl25 18
Why did you keep the suit within your dogs reach?
tounces7 28
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
If he's tearing apart both shoes AND clothing, it's time to either find him a new home or pay more attention to him.
BrookRae 19
OP was using the bathroom when it happened.
CallMeMcFeelii 14
So once your dog starts chewing on your clothes and shoes, you just say **** it and take him to a new home? You really shouldn't get a dog if you don't think it'll chew on your stuff. It's a damn dog. Or are you saying its ok if they chew on shoes, but not clothes? Or vice versa? I'm lost by your comment, either way it's just dumb.
tounces7 28
If your dog can actually watch you taking a shit and tear your stuff up right in front of you(which I assume he was telling the dog to stop), then your dog is an asshole.
Mifflicious 18
If the dog tear stuff apart ( unless it's a puppy ), it has probably not been trained properly. Especially if the owner can see the dog but still not even be able to make it stop.
perdix 31
It's best that you don't go anyways. They're serving raw shrimp at weddings these days, so you'd be stuck on the toilet for a few more days afterwards.
drewflav 17
I'm surprised you chose to quote that particular FML Perdix. For those of you that don't know, the FML involved a seafood manager fired for a customer complaint regarding raw shrimp served at a wedding. The customer was too stupid to realize that they needed to cook it first and the employee suffered because of it.
perdix 31
#42, but aren't I full of surprises? I haven't even used my sunglasses for a while :)
MrBoredomioo 18
I love the inter-FMLing in the comments
tounces7 28
Then get it all on video and make $100,000.