Today, I had the best date I've had in my life, until after we ate and split an expensive dinner out, we came back to my place and she then told me she was homeless, and wasn't looking to date but for a couch to crash on. She won't leave. Happy fucking New Year. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, the lease on my house ended and I finished moving in with my girlfriend. After everything was moved in, she broke up with me. Hello homelessness. FML
Today, I met a cute girl. She seemed really sweet and I was heartbroken to find out that she had fallen on hard times and was living in a shelter. I asked her if I could take her out to lunch. She said, "No." I can't even get a date with a homeless girl. FML
Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML
Today, I went on a date with a girl I like. Afterwards, I drove her home, and we just sat there awkwardly. I thought she wanted to kiss me but was nervous, so I jokingly said, "What're you waiting for? Christmas?" I guess she took that as a "Get the hell out", because she broke into tears and left. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after a year of living together. She told me that she met someone else and wanted to move out. She moved out... but moved her things into my roommate's bedroom. FML
Today, I decided to break up with my girlfriend after I got home and realised I was happier sat in my car on the street than I would be if I went inside and had to put up with her whining and her two spoiled daughters for even one more day. So now I’m happy, but also homeless. FML
Today, I went on the best date of my life with someone I’ve admired for a very long time. On the car ride home, she vomited all over my lap and informed me that she’s moving across the country next week. FML
Today, I went on a date. After we finished our meal, I had to use the bathroom really bad. When I said so, my date totally lost it and accused me of planning on climbing out a window and ditching her. "Fuck that and fuck you!" she said, then stormed out, leaving me with the bill. FML
Today, I went on a date. I took her out to an expensive steak house. When she was done eating, she got up, said she was married, and told me she only accepted the date because I'd be paying for it. FML
Today, I'm spending New Year's Eve absolutely alone. My girlfriend canceled our plans the day before so she could spend it with strangers and booze. Somehow, I still love her. FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
I don't see the problem. You have the best date of your life right there in your house! Play your cards right and she'll make the short move from your couch to your bed soon. Don't **** it up with a stupid promise ring!
red6joker 8
start recording and call the cops.
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Comments (7)
red6joker 8
start recording and call the cops.
RichardPencil 32
The cops aren't going to do anything. You've got a beautiful woman living at your house -- they're not going to feel sorry for you. Like when those neighborhood kids ditched their Ferraris on my lawn so they could drive Kias ironically. The cops thought I should be grateful.
tounces7 28
I realize Richard is joking but he's also not entirely wrong. A lot of cops would not, in fact, care, and are very heavily biased.
RichardPencil 32
I don't see the problem. You have the best date of your life right there in your house! Play your cards right and she'll make the short move from your couch to your bed soon. Don't **** it up with a stupid promise ring!
tounces7 28
Call the police. She doesn't get squatters rights when she just got there.
Inkoseh 33
Yep, it's now called trespassing when they won't leave. Even if it's a guest. If they wont leave nicely, call the police. Record all conversations and honestly, start the restraining order now. You think I'm nuts? People GO NUTS when they are punished for doing shit like this. There is a high possibility she will come back and trespass again or vandalize your property. Sorry OP. Good luck!
spinspinsugar 12
"hello, police....?
ghostinflames 13
She must be psycho. The bad thing is, telling her to leave you alone will only make it worse. Just tie her to your bed! Nah, let the cops handcuff her while you put your home on lockdown from intruders.
jlc82 14
oh but she absolutely will when you call the cops and have her arrested.