Today, I asked my girlfriend why she never lets me in her house. She stared blankly and said, "What is inside is not for thine eyes." I told her best friend about this creepiness later on. She sighed and said, "T'was not for mine eyes either. I didst fail to listen." I feel like I'm losing my mind here. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house. She'd told me not to ring the doorbell and just come in so that I wouldn't wake her dad up. As I walked upstairs, her father walked out of the bathroom naked. We locked eyes. I can't get the image out of my head. FML
Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me, with some kind of girl's basketball game playing. When I stared into my girlfriend's eyes, she accused me of trying to check out the girls by looking at their reflection in her eyes. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to sneak into the shower at her house while her parents went out to eat and a movie. Half way through our shower we heard a knocking at the door, it was her mom. We had left all of our clothes downstairs. Safe to say I won't be allowed there any more. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that her mom doesn't give us any privacy when we're at their place. I suggested that we go to my place for a change, and she agreed. Her mom called my house three times to see what we were doing. We're well beyond teenagers. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend if maybe she wanted to actually leave the house for date night. All I got was, “Why? We have takeaway menus.” When I insisted we leave the house for once, she got suspicious, like I was trying to hide something bad. She’s not talking to me until I admit what I did. FML
Today, I tried sneaking over to my girlfriend's house to be romantic and knocked on her window. She went and got her mother to see who was at the window. FML
Today, I walked into the kitchen and found a friend of my sister's stripped down to just her panties changing her clothes. In the kitchen. She had the nerve to call me a peeping Tom and slap me. Why was she even here without my sister, and why couldn’t she use the bathroom to change? FML
Today, I was really excited to go on a date with my girlfriend. We were sat in the restaurant looking at our menus when she suddenly frowned and said someone was watching us from across the street. I turned to see who it was. My wife. FML
Today, I was shopping with a friend. We snuck into the same fitting room so we could give our opinions on each other's clothes. The suspicious saleswoman knocked on the door and asked how many people were in our room. I quickly answered, "It's OK. She's just watching." FML
Today, a woman threatened to stab my eyes out because I wouldn't let her into the shop I closed and locked up half an hour ago. FML
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Top comments
hotforkegger 4
HOARDER!!! RUN WHILE U CAN!!!
Finnick_fml 12
That's utterly bizarre. Maybe they're playing a prank on you, you can seriously ask them to tell you the truth .... Or break into your girlfriend's house. Take your pick :p
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Comments (295)
Forlorn420 9
Maybe she is obsessed with llamas or grub worms and doesn't want you to see the thousands of pictures that she has posted in her house. Just a guess
Hiimhaileypotter 53
This made me laugh. Llamas and grub worms? How did you even think of two such random things? ....is there something you wanna tell us about YOUR fetishes? ;D
Forlorn420 9
My fetishes are unicorns and naked mole rats ;)
CastielJ 6
What happens when you date a girl who's into Dungeon and Dragons. Speaking old English, eh? I surprised she didn't say she was a lvl 14 wizard with a fire enchanted staff.
emba_fml 13
what's wrong with dnd? ):
KiRaKaT 9
Love dnd!
Killer_fel 15
DnD is awesome! But were not all talking old english, and boasting about our lvl and items. And not all DnD happen in the medieval times. Some happen in the past, others in the present and others in the Future.
Calyx_fml 22
DnD girls get +2 int and +4 cha.
meredith743 6
That would be Shakespearean English. Old English would sound a lot like German or something.
blackpuddle 30
Most DnD players don't speak like that. I've known one out of all the people I've gamed with that did and we all wanted him to shut the **** up every time he opened his mouth.
l23VIVE 17
Um @120 OP's girlfriend is using MIDDLE English not Olde English, or Shakespearean English. Though Medieval English is the one which sounds Germanic.
l23VIVE 17
I am a level 5 Assassin with Daggers of silence and The Cloak of stealth which adds +2 to my sneaking. I am also a level 6 Cleric with a (lightsaber) saber of divine light, which adds +2 damage & +40% effectiveness towards sorcerers and demons...
l23VIVE 17
And @77 if the female player's name starts with a vowel she gets +1 charm +1 seduction & +2 charisma
thrAsHeRr9081 16
You're annoying Vive, so please go away.
Kar98 6
Pray stop embarrassing thyself with thine claims of "'tis Middle English". Thou doesn't know scat.
benderbot19 0
183, you get +1 stfu
l23VIVE 17
What? Elena why did you think i was going to show off my awesome DnD characters? Are you psychic? Or did you just read my profile?
vanessaizawesome 8
ok so here's what op needs to do he must go to burger king at dawn and ask for Jeffery the llama Jeffery will talk to him and will give him a map around the USA, op must wait till a rainbow occurs and find the nearest IKEA and jump in the neon green wardrobe, he will find a lion in narnia and the lion will guide him from there!!
emba_fml 13
just stop...
vanessaizawesome 8
Wow thanks
greenie213 23
Dude, you need to take it easy on the acid.
vanessaizawesome 8
Wow thanks that's really just wonderful to know
DespairFaction 11
Wow, thanks.
vanessaizawesome 8
61- I love you picture!!!! Totally awesome
forever_born 6
It's cool bro I thought you were funny :)
vanessaizawesome 8
199- thanks :)
thrAsHeRr9081 16
Your comment makes no sense nor does it have anything to do with the FML in question.
WaywardDaughter 26
Sounds like she might be a hoarder!
gracehi 33
I bet she's a trans-dimensional sorcereress, and her home conceals secrets too awesome for mortal eyes. O.0 ... NAH! I bet she's a cat hoarder. Better call the ASPCA!
donkey79 0
There are probably rooms filled with mismatched childrens shoes.
tony1891 22
OK. That's just weird. is she like in a cult or something?
UnionsSuck 5
Pray tell?
tehdarkness 21
Trollz
hotcommodity01 1
Ha. The best friend is probably in on it too. I say find out ninja style.