Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML
Today, I was playing with my four year-old cousin. He had a toy whale and said, "Shark!" I corrected him and told him it was a whale. He picked it up, threw it at my face, and yelled, "SHAAARK!" FML
Today, while I was at the beach I decided to go into the ocean even though the waves looked rough. While I was in the water, I got caught by the riptide and needed to be saved. The reason I was at the beach? I'm a lifeguard. Now all my co-workers won't stop laughing at me. FML
Today, we decided to go to an aquarium for a little family get-away. At the end was a shark viewing deck, and I leaned over the rails to get a better look. How did I find out that my glasses needed to be adjusted? They fell off and sunk right to the bottom of the shark-infested waters. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was worried about being eaten by a whale while out kayaking on our holiday tour. I told her that she was way larger than whale food, and that it wouldn’t be interested in her. Now she is accusing me of trying to tell her "nicely" that she's fat. FML
Today, against my wishes, my family and I went swimming with sharks. While in the shark cage, a shark got within a few feet of us. My cowardly bowels objected and caused me to shit myself. FML
Today, I started my period almost a week earlier than I expected to. I also happened to be at the beach with a guy that I really liked when it started. He was the one who noticed, and he informed me by saying that we couldn't go back in the water or we would be eaten by sharks. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were making out, she went to fix the pillow behind her head and punched me straight in the face. FML
Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML
Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML
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Top comments
eeppiicc 8
Eating her would have solved that problem.
Sunyboy 12
Shark week is beast.
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Comments (128)
SchlomoTheGrinch 18
Ooooooooh, shark got hisself tenderized! That said, I'd think your GF has something else on her mind, pissing her off. Your being-a-shark joke just gave her an excuse.
Bladian 5
How does this girl have a sense of humor? She punched him and poked him in the eyes for telling a joke because she thought that was a funny punchline. She's a bitch.
jangalianxi 6
Marry that woman.
ellytoad 13
Dump that woman.
Davick 0
she's a keeper truly
magicalswaci 12
Give her oral with your massive shark teeth. That'll teach her.
zamattiac 4
Thank you for clarifying it was a joke. I was scared you were a shark for a second.
TheNewGuy03 29
Dodge. |the kid|
roxyelizabeth 3
Think its time for a new gf who doesn't beat you up
fatalwish 6
lol two thumbs up for your gf
Sw33ttp13 1
Your girlfriend is awesome