Today, after surgery on my penis, I’m on drugs to prevent erections. My girlfriend now thinks it’s hilarious to walk around naked, bend over in front of me, and do other sexy stuff, because she knows I can’t do anything to her and it’s killing me. In three weeks, her ass is mine. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML
Today, my sister caught me bent over trying to trim my pubic hairs. She took a photo of my spread ass as a joke and scared me so bad, I cut my clitoris. Currently in hospital hopped up on the really good morphine for the excruciating pain. Oh, and the stitches, God, I can't forget the stitches. FML
Today, I got circumcised. After the surgery, my girlfriend got drunk and texted all of her friends about it. FML
Today, I was naked and the wife tried to flick my bum with a wet towel. Unfortunately I bent over at the wrong moment and the towel cracked right against the underside of my dangling penis. The whole underside is bruised, it hurts to pee, and God help me tomorrow if I get morning wood. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML
Today, after days of constipation, I gave myself an enema to clear out the obstruction. My girlfriend has decided that I'm secretly gay and will not change her mind. She's already told her friends, who now want to take me shoe shopping. FML
Today, I'm in hospital after having surgery for a broken leg. I’m maxed out on Endone and still in pain. Work have said that I’m on the roster next week and I’ll be fired if I’m not there. My wife said that she is going to have some "me time" for a few days when I get home from my "holiday". FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML
Today, my ex-husband’s new girlfriend stopped by the pharmacy I work at, checked out at my lane, and had me ring up her condoms. She kept bragging about how she’s gonna have “nasty freaky sex” with my ex all night long while I work at a “miserable pharmacy.” I burst into tears while she laughed and waltzed away. FML
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Top comments
AzraelAngelus 15
I hope you mean that literally
Anderling 33
Dude, she is actively looking to impede your healing process after surgery for ***** and giggles. Kick her out NOW.
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Comments (5)
AzraelAngelus 15
I hope you mean that literally
RichardPencil 32
Why wait three weeks? You can toss her salad now.
slkeithh 14
"In three weeks, her ass is mine." For 30 seconds. Grow up and pleasure her without thinking of your own.
HayNow 11
Oh take a joke and laugh sometimes...
Anderling 33
Dude, she is actively looking to impede your healing process after surgery for ***** and giggles. Kick her out NOW.
Taurus_ChicKa 37
Yeah... not funny. If it's a genuine health risk/issue, she should not be doing anything that could hinder the healing process. Your final sentence was hysterical, though. I have to ask, did you mean that literally or figuratively? But just be careful she doesn't turn the tables and yell rape or something... some girls are vindictive that way.